I got this several years ago, but it kills me every time I re-read it, so I thought I'd pass it along to my JD comrades here for a good laugh, as well as some much needed pooping analysis and understanding, I'm sure.  Read on at your own risk though.  Poop subject matter galore follows...  


SUBJECT:   1999 SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR TAKING A DUMP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.  We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below.  As much
as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you
the...........

1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure
pleasure.

ESCAPEE

Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or forcing poop in a stall.  This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of panic/embarrassment.  This is similar to the hot flash you
receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding.  If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.  Pretend it did not
happen.  If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend
that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable
for all involved.  Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine
guns pace.  This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location.  This reduces the amount of air time the poop
has to stink up the bathroom.  This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk-up the bathroom.  This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in.  As with all farts, it is
best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.  Always look around the
office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)

Definition:  A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident.  This group can help you
to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify
SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN

Definition:   A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors.  Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex.  This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open.  This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at
work.  If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURG leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall.  This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS.  Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

Definition:  A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall.  This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied.  If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water.  This is also an embarrassing incident.  If you feel a WATERMELON
coming on, create a diversion.  See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

Definition:  A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water.  Often accompanied by an escapee.  Try
using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED

Definition:  A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting
on the pot.  An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while
on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when
the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees.

FLY BY

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in, check for other poopers.  If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again.  Be careful not to become a
FREQUENT FLYER.  People may become suspicious if they catch you
constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE

Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound
Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and
$h!t streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost.  Try finding out when
the janitor cleans each particular bathroom.  Don't forget, a CRACK
WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.


So, what kind of crapper are you?  As for me, well, many of my friends call me $h!t Break, after the character in American Pie - so that should give you a pretty good hint as to my crapping habits!  

Cutting a bunch of checks right now for all of our monthly utilities and crap, and was curious how ours stacked up against other people's bills around the country(s).

So how much are your monthly bills?  You can leave out the mortgages, cars, and serious stuff like that if you want.  Here's what ours are averaging per month of late:

Electric: $70

Gas: $35

Water: $12

Regular Phone: $40

Cell Phones (two): $65

Cable TV w/ HBO + Showtime & Cable modem (which we're not even using yet): $80

Car Insurance (two cars): $107

Wife's student loans: $326  

Home Owner's Association fees: $250  

Two storage units: $150

Cars: $0 (both paid off)

Credit Card:  A lot (food, gas, shopping, entertainment, etc.), but we pay it off in full every month.

House:  Too much.  
-----------------------------------

Total: $1,135 + mortgage + credit card = Ouch!  

Adam's job searching thread got me to thinking about how much I've come to despise my job (auditing) over the past year, as opposed to my first 4-5 years here, when I really loved it.

It's strange how so much can change in so little time.  My job used to be fun and exciting - mixing my accounting background with one of my main hobbies - music.  It was exciting to have so many world famous clients.  The auditing work was interesting, challenging, and even fun.  My office was a blast and my co-workers were all very cool.  The workplace was lighthearted, humorous, fun (we golfed and played basketball in the office, etc.)

But things have completely changed in the past year.  The music industry has gone down the toilet as far as (legal) sales are concerned.  That prompted most of our millionaire clients to become much more tightfisted with their money (and audits), which in turn greatly tightens up our normally loose budgets, which in turn creates a much more stressful atmosphere at work, etc.

We've lost a ton of work, had a round of layoffs (possibly more to come), office moral is down, the bosses have become stress cases and as$holes, and it just feels like a giant sinking ship at this point.  The new commute since I moved a few months ago really sucks too...

Though the money and benefits are still very good, my overall job satisfaction is virtually nil at this point.  The idea of looking around for something new and different is pretty scary to me, since I generally enjoy familiarity and stability in my life.  Ugh.  What to do...

So how's your job satisfaction if you're working?  Has it changed over the course of your employment?

So with the introduction of the "new" Saga line, beginning with the Hoth and Tatooine waves, we're finally getting some much slimmed down figure bubbles.  Long overdue, and greatly appreciated!  Especially from a space/storage standpoint for folks who collect carded figures.

The old bubbles were just a huge waste of space.  It's not as if 90% of the figures even needed that extra 1/2" inch of space added for the previous Saga line.  If you looked at the bubble from the side, you'd see that the added depth was completely unneccesary in most cases, and IMO not terribly attractive.  Looked too damned bulky.

Just glad to see the return of correctly proportioned bubbles, I am.  I'd be even happier to revert back to the even smaller POTJ-esque bubbles, but if these Saga II bubbles provide for a little more accessory room (assuming it's used), then I'm cool with it.  Unless Hasbro's giving us an Ephant Mon, or something similar, let's keep the smaller bubbles coming!  My closet, boxes, bags, and walls thank you!

Dammit, I'm getting tired of these things!  Especially when I'm high up in a hi-rise building!  Our whole building started swaying back and forth, and it felt like I was surfing in my office (we're on the 11th floor).  The blinds were swinging and kept banging into the windows, and you could hear the whole building creaking.  I bolted out the door and stupidly into an elevator which was already at the wait, which made matters even worse.  That thing was swinging all over the place.  Somebody wound up getting on at the 5th floor, so I wisely jumped out and took the stairs the rest of the way.  I was the first one out of the building, and thought I must've just been imagining it, until the rest of the building wound up evacuating a minute or two later...

Registered at 6.5, and was located up near San Simeon (Hearst Castle), which is about 4 hours away from here.  That should tell you how powerful this thing was!  But considering I felt the Northridge quake all the way out in Las Vegas, it's not surprising I guess.

My legs are still shaking right now!  God, I hate quakes.  

Just completed a perfectly smooth transaction with Darth Broem...  Great communication and a lickety split payment from Brian, received on his wedding day no less!  Highly recommended trader.  

Thanks Brian, and congrats on your "big day"!  

- Matt

So we've got over 10 wildfires burning out of control in various areas around Southern California right now...  At least 13 dead and over 850 houses burned down, and growing by the minute.



We've got a couple fires that are getting dangerously close to our new house, only about a 10 minute drive away - the Simi Valley fire and the Lake Piru fire.  As soon as I left the house this morning, I saw the huge plumes of black smoke rising up over the closest range of hills.  We're pretty much surrounded on 3 sides by the fires right now, and we live down in a small valley, so once they start down all the neighboring hills, we're going to be in deep $h!t...  



Here's a satellite photo of Southern California, so you can get an idea about how widespread the area is right now - covering hundreds of miles from San Diego all the way up to Ventura - 4 or 5 different counties...



I was up in Santa Barbara about 10 years ago when the Painted Cave fire happened as well.  Burned down what seemed like half of Santa Barbara at the time.  600+ structures destroyed in that one.  The ash and soot both then and now generally cover the entire area as if it was night time, while snowing down ashes everywhere.  Pretty crazy...

Anyone else dealt with wildfires before?