Author Topic: RE#18 - DARK EXCHANGE  (Read 5389 times)

Offline jedistyle

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Re: RE#18 - DARK EXCHANGE
« Reply #30 on: January 4, 2006, 02:59 PM »
he is a whipid, huh! i supose CHEWIE can just create a different spiecies for him. thanks for the info Findswoman!
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Offline CHEWIE

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Re: RE#18 - DARK EXCHANGE
« Reply #31 on: January 4, 2006, 03:04 PM »
Ok, easy solution - Kala's father was a Whipid and his mother was a Saurin.  He's the ugly love child result of their interbreeding.  I'll call him a Saurpid.

 :P

Offline jedistyle

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Re: RE#18 - DARK EXCHANGE
« Reply #32 on: January 4, 2006, 03:57 PM »
that's cool, mabey the crossing of the 2 spiecies meshed both of thier best quality's and that's why Kala is such a powerful Jedi! ;D thanks for the info CHEWIE.
« Last Edit: January 4, 2006, 05:44 PM by jedistyle »
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Offline Darth Delicious

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Re: RE#18 - DARK EXCHANGE
« Reply #33 on: January 9, 2006, 12:47 AM »
Best chapter yet, Chewie, and a great set-up for what's to come!

Dathomir had a great build up and then ended a little flat, I thought...but this chapter was even better than those first Dathomir chapters. I have an idea of where this is going and it will be interesting to see how you pull it off. My recommendation on this one is to take your time, and don't feel you have to wrap everything up for us in one or two chapters. I felt that Dathomir ended too quickly, and by the end some of the tension you built was lost. As this chapter was by far your best, both with sets, tightly written characterizations, action and drama, I really want to see it live up to the potential you've built.

I wish I had time to do a scene by scene breakdown, but I don't tonight...suffice it to say my favorite panel was the clones leaving with Kala Mly Shundi as Rykrof stares helplessly at the screen showing his wife. A powerful moment, especially considering you're working with toys! The only thing I would have liked to have seen done differently is the rescue of Alyssa... I would have liked to have seen the order given to execute her, and a close up on the thug aiming at her...and then a lightsaber appears through his chest. Cue rescue scene! I understand Fuuda was trading her, but it would have been just like a villain to have Rykrof where he wants him and then attempt to kill her anyway. You might then have added to Rykrof's pain as he's taken away, believing his wife is dead...that much more misery heaped on our hero.

And speaking of Fuuda...nice touch with it being Trigg's brother, but not revealing it right away. When I first saw him on the screen, I went "What the hell? Fuuda's dead!" I figured it was maybe a holo, but it being a family member out to get revenge was a nice twist.

Well done. Very powerful chapter, can't wait to see more!

-DD

« Last Edit: January 11, 2006, 01:55 AM by Darth Delicious »
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Offline Ryan

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Re: RE#18 - DARK EXCHANGE
« Reply #34 on: January 13, 2006, 04:37 AM »
I finally got around to reading this. It was a very good read as always. I owe you a real review for this one and #17 soon.  :)
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Offline CHEWIE

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Re: RE#18 - DARK EXCHANGE
« Reply #35 on: January 14, 2006, 06:12 PM »
Best chapter yet, Chewie, and a great set-up for what's to come!

Dathomir had a great build up and then ended a little flat, I thought...but this chapter was even better than those first Dathomir chapters. I have an idea of where this is going and it will be interesting to see how you pull it off. My recommendation on this one is to take your time, and don't feel you have to wrap everything up for us in one or two chapters. I felt that Dathomir ended too quickly, and by the end some of the tension you built was lost. As this chapter was by far your best, both with sets, tightly written characterizations, action and drama, I really want to see it live up to the potential you've built.

I wish I had time to do a scene by scene breakdown, but I don't tonight...suffice it to say my favorite panel was the clones leaving with Kala Mly Shundi as Rykrof stares helplessly at the screen showing his wife. A powerful moment, especially considering you're working with toys! The only thing I would have liked to have seen done differently is the rescue of Alyssa... I would have liked to have seen the order given to execute her, and a close up on the thug aiming at her...and then a lightsaber appears through his chest. Cue rescue scene! I understand Fuuda was trading her, but it would have been just like a villain to have Rykrof where he wants him and then attempt to kill her anyway. You might then have added to Rykrof's pain as he's taken away, believing his wife is dead...that much more misery heaped on our hero.

And speaking of Fuuda...nice touch with it being Trigg's brother, but not revealing it right away. When I first saw him on the screen, I went "What the hell? Fuuda's dead!" I figured it was maybe a holo, but it being a family member out to get revenge was a nice twist.

Well done. Very powerful chapter, can't wait to see more!

-DD



Darth Delicious, thank you for the comments and your thoughts.  I see what you mean about Dathomir, I could have had a larger climax at the end with possibly Ventress or the witch, but I didn't want to kill of anyone major at that point, and thought it might be realistic the way it ended.  Just because Ventress was after them, didn't mean she would succeed, as even Vader had Luke slip through his clutches in ESB.  Different scenario, just giving an example.  And I never saw Ventress as really being that powerful.  The witch is twisted and has lost her mind, she has no ambition, she is essentially insane and driven by her lust for flesh.  She will be in the series again at some point however.  As for how Dathomir ended, I had different feedback from nearly everyone.  Some people though it was dragging, then when I ended it they thought it should have been longer.  So, I guess it's a learning experience for me and I will go with my instinct on what should happen as far as length to the subplots.

I will not be in a rush for the next few stories, if they take a bit longer, that is fine.  For the most recent one, I didn't rush it and I feel it helped it a lot.  It wasn't too long, but I think it hit the points I was trying to make and showed the Badoo Corba's ability to still trick their enemies.  As for an order to execute Alyssa, I had thought about it,  but decided to give them a small sense of decency as they are still trying to convince Dooku to let them into the Confederacy.  And I'm glad everyone seems to be ok with Trigg having a brother, that was an original plan a long time ago, for two Twi'leks to run the organization, but I never went in that direction.  When Trigg died though I felt like the Badoo Corba was losing a lot of its identity, even with Troffar (the Gran) taking over for the time being.  So I thought introducing Muubas now was the right time.  He isn't nearly as naive as Trigg was.

Ryan, take your time on a review.  It will be a bit before the next one is up.   :)

Thanks everyone, and I appreciate everyone still following this series.  It's been a long series now with nearly 20 chapters over an 11 year timeline, and using fan fic characters rather than the established ones can be difficult, but I think it's a lot more fun this way (at least for me) because we already know what happens to the main characters.  What happens to these characters is still undecided.  Anything can happen and anyone can die.

 :P

Offline Darth Delicious

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Re: RE#18 - DARK EXCHANGE
« Reply #36 on: January 16, 2006, 12:39 AM »
I guess part of my criticism of the Dathomir chapters centers on our perceptions of Ventress...I thought of her as fairly powerful...not to the level of Dooku, but her ability to hold her own against Obi-Wan at certain points lends her some credibility.   I would have liked to have seen more action between her and Sriadne, at least.

The other place I thought Dathomir lost us a bit was in the previous chapter when you showed the witch in the last panel...she hadn't really become an integral part of the story yet; I think it ruined a great reveal showing her so soon. We should have seen her only through the characters eyes...it would have made her more frightening, and the build-up would have been nice as until she attacked, she would have been mere supposition and rumor on the characters part. (Sure, we'd seen her in your thread, but some of us had forgotten.)

Other than those two quibbles I liked Dathomir, and especially the intro of Freelo to the series.

Speaking of Freelo, you've hit the right balance for him. He's comic relief without being an annoying buffoon like Jar Jar. I also like that you haven't portrayed him as cowardly in every situation...Although he fled from Siriadne on Dathomir (who wouldn't?) in Dark Exchange he's quite willing to fight, even if he proves totally inept at it.

It's been a fun ride so far...can't wait to see where you take us.

-DD
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Offline CHEWIE

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Re: RE#18 - DARK EXCHANGE
« Reply #37 on: January 17, 2006, 11:36 AM »
Thanks DD.  I understand your points about Ventress and the witch.  I liked having the encounter between the two of them, and having Ventress getting her ass kicked.  The reason I didn't extend the fight more also had something to do with the witch not having a lightsaber.  If she had one, they could have dueled.  But since she doesn't, I couldn't let Ventress get too close or she could tear her to shreds.  I had in mind that the witch has a level of power that surpasses almost anyone, but it is uncontrolled, unfocused power.  So she has no sense of direction and at this point is a twisted fury of dark side power.  For showing her early, I was trying to build some more tension.  Some people had been saying they didn't feel like Rykrof was in a lot of danger in some stories, so I was trying to show the peril he was in and keep people on the edge.  You make great points though and I will keep that in mind.  Remember the witch will have a return at some point, which means that Dathomir will be revisited.  So far it's my favorite location in the series.  I am looking forward to a return to the planet at some point with a series of 4-5 chapters centering on Dathomir.

For Freelo, I've had a person or two wish he was killed in the last one.  I think that would be a big mistake to do, he's the most enjoyable character actually to work with right now.  He's naive yet intelligent, scared yet caring.  He will have a big impact on the series and might be the "safest" character for a while.

As for where the series leads, I have a plan in mind, but with a lot of emails and PMs from other customizers, I've gotten some ideas that never crossed my mind.  They are giving me a lot more options to explore, and I appreciate the ideas very much.

 :P


Offline Jediknight760071

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Re: RE#18 - DARK EXCHANGE
« Reply #38 on: January 28, 2006, 05:23 AM »
YES! Real sets! It is fun, isn't it.

I knew you could become a CG maniac. This section that so interesting to read, but it took awhile, because my eyes kept drifting up.  Seems Rykrof has himself another sticky situation to get out of...but this time it really doesn't look good. I hope he comes out on top, like always.

I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying these...not only are they creative (w/ cameos too) but they're really serious and set in stone. Solid stories CHEWIE. :-*

Offline CHEWIE

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Re: RE#18 - DARK EXCHANGE
« Reply #39 on: January 31, 2006, 12:40 PM »
Thanks Jediknight, I really appreciate the thoughful feedback.  I hope to have #19 up within 48 hours... really close to being finished.

 :P

Offline Victor_Von_Doom

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Re: RE#18 - DARK EXCHANGE
« Reply #40 on: March 27, 2006, 03:46 PM »
Awesome story Justin! I love that Shak Ti custom. Your scenery and backgrounds are amazing man!  :o
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Offline Deanna Rash

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Re: RE#18 - DARK EXCHANGE
« Reply #41 on: November 26, 2006, 04:34 PM »
Everything seems to get even better!
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