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Random passages from John Hodgman's book, "The Areas of My Expertise."
Matt:
Day 5 at the Mall of America
Elayne takes me to Cereal Adventure, which is a mini theme park run by General Mills, makers of Trix and Lucky Charms and Cookie Crisp.
There is a mini golf course there, as well as an interactive exhibit on how Lucky Charms is made. Here it is shown how the leprechauns are first flayed and then pulped to be turned into the marshmallows. Off to the side are waist-high piles of abandoned little green hats that will be shipped back to Ireland under international treaty.
"Am I the only one who finds this a little bit creepy?" I ask aloud. Elayne ignores me. "You can have your picture taken and put on a box of Wheaties," she says.
That's insane, I say. I can't masturbate to a picture of myself. Where are the Mary Lou Retton boxes?
We then go to the Cereal Adventure Cafe, which claims to have all the General Mills cereals for sale. They have the monster cereals Boo Berry, Count Chocolua, and Frankenberry. I am surprised to learn that they have never heard of Fruit Brute, which featured a werewolf. They have never heard of Yummy Mummy, who was a mummy who was fruit flavored. I wonder if they really have any business running a "cereal adventure" cafe at all.
Matt:
After some reading, I learned that black squirrels are actually quite common in the American Midwest - especially in Coucil Bluffs, Iowa, and Marysville, Kans., which are the twin epicenters of American black squirreldom. And lately, the hearty species has been on the move, gradually radiating toward the coasts. Some speculate they are driven by deforestation. Every schoolchild knows that a squirrel could once run from Greenland to Cuba on a canopy of trees and perhaps now they are intent on taking it back, overrunning us as indeed all nature will someday. And so at least in this sense, the omen of the black squirrel is true.
Matt:
Missouri
Nicknames: The Show-Me State, The Prove-It State, The Demonstrate-Your-God-Damned-Thesis State
Motto: "We Demand That It Be Revealed Immediately."
Notes: Most experts agree that everything is up-to-date in Kansas City, Mo. With its seven-story skyscrapers, full telephone service, burlesque theaters, and multiple gas buggies, it has gone about as far as it can go. No further progress will be undertaken.
Matt:
HINTS ON BUILDING SNOW FORTS
* Locate snow fort on high ground offering plenty of visibility to surrounding terrain.
* Mound a square or circular enclosure of snow walls that are wider than they are tall.
* An armory of spare snowballs may be stacked in a pyramid in the center. This pyramid is also good for the secret storage of vodka or, if defeat is certain, cyanide capsules.
* Making use of an actual, existing army fort or tower guarantees success but is considered unsporting.
* Underground tunnels should be supported by stout beams. Glass bricks are no longer fashionable.
* Watch out for wampas.
Matt:
PROHIBITION-ERA EUPHEMISMS FOR ALCOHOL
The noble experiment of 1920-1933 didn't stop anyone from drinking, of course. But the dubious quality of bootleg liquor and homemade toadstool hooch21 did cause sufficient brain damage among the speakeasy set such that simple, useful descriptors were maniacally replaced with the zippy, jazz-age lingo of the insane. Broadway was "That Great Glowing Gulch of Drowning Dreams," tough guys were "gorillas," and gorillas were "mega-chimps." But by far the greatest number of euphemisms was reserved for booze itself, that "numbing nectar of the old alcohol tree!" Here are some of the more famous. . .
Devil's tears
Sleepy syrup
Zip sauce
Hop tallow
Trance juice
Grain guzzle
Massage oil
Mystery nip
Irish vinegar
French mayonnaise
Brain shellac
Distillate of dreamtime
Jazz chowder
Fairy pee
Corn cologne
Washcloth wringings
Genuine gin-flavored beverage
The sweet tonic of olde
That slippery serum
Romulan ale
Near beer
Stutter milk
Juniper ****
Antimatter
Stun gravy
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