Author Topic: Random passages from John Hodgman's book, "The Areas of My Expertise."  (Read 6200 times)

Offline Matt

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--1932:  Proving once again its old nickname, "The City That Will Not Learn from Its Errors," New York City actually imports several lobsters for display in the Central Park Zoo.  The lobsters, however, rarely leave their cave, and when they do, they pace relentlessly back and forth.  Zoological analysts determine that the lobsters are depressed.  The lobsters are given toys to play with, small staircases to leap up, and mice to chase.  Several games are developed to relieve them of their melancholy, one of which eventually becomes the board game "Monopoly."  The lobsters are excellent players, and usually choose the top hat.

Offline Matt

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SEVEN HUNDRED HOBO NAMES

(This being the fifth of seventy installments.)

41.  Finnish Jim
42.  Flemish Jim
43.  Foreign Tomas, the Strangetalker
44.  Roadhouse Ogilvy and Sons
45.  Jokestealer John Selden
46.  Giancarlo, Master of the Metal Trapeze
47.  Dr. Bill Stain-Chin, the Boxcar Medic
48.  Boxcar Ted
49.  Boxcar Mick
50.  Boxcars [sic] Timothy Twin

Offline Matt

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And most critics agree that in literature, there are five primal conflicts.  These are:

-Man versus man
-Man versus nature
-Man versus society
-Man versus himself
-Man versus cyborgs

Offline Matt

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SEVEN HUNDRED HOBO NAMES

(This being the sixth of seventy installments.)

51.  Boxcar Jones, the Boxcar Benjamin Disraeli
52.  Boxcar Aldous Huxley
53.  JR Lintstockings
54.  Gila Monster, Jr.
55.  Irontrousers the Strong
56.  "X," the Anonymous Man or Woman
57.  Orphaned Reynaldo, the Child with Haunting Eyes (while there were children hoboes, Reynaldo took this name when he was 45; prior to this, he was known as. . .)
58.  Reynaldo Reynaldoson, Who Will One Day Kill His Father
59.  Thoughtless Harry Hsu
60.  Clinical Psychiatrist Hugo Rivera

Offline Matt

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Re: Random passages from John Hodgman's book, "The Areas of My Expertise."
« Reply #34 on: September 5, 2006, 12:44 AM »
SEVEN HUNDRED HOBO NAMES

(This being the seventh of seventy installments.)

61.  Peter Ox-Hands
62.  Ponytail Douglas Winthrop
63.  Lil' Jonny Songbird, the Songbird-Eater
64.  King Snake: the Eternal Mystery
65.  Ghostly Nose Silvie
66.  Fonzie
67.  DiCapa the Hound
68.  Beef-or-Chicken Bob Nubbins
69.  Honest Amelia Dirt
70.  Slow Motion Jones

Offline Matt

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Re: Random passages from John Hodgman's book, "The Areas of My Expertise."
« Reply #35 on: September 15, 2006, 11:59 AM »
SEVEN HUNDRED HOBO NAMES

(This being the eighth of seventy installments.)

71.  Canadian Football Pete
72.  Meep Meep, the Italian Tailor
73.  Jonathan William Coulton, the Colchester Kid
74.  Maria the Pumpkin-Patch Crooner
75.  Bix Shmix
76.  Vice President Garrett Hobart
77.  Stun Gun Jones
78.  Prostate Davey
79.  Flea Stick
80.  Niles Butterball, the Frozen Turkey

Offline ruiner

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Re: Random passages from John Hodgman's book, "The Areas of My Expertise."
« Reply #36 on: September 15, 2006, 01:09 PM »
Niles Butterball, the frozen turkey, must be a dead hobo - found in an alley sometime in January (Michigan or thereabouts)?



Offline Matt

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SEVEN HUNDRED HOBO NAMES

(This being the ninth of seventy installments.)

81.  Todd Four-Flush
82.  Stick-Legs McOhio
83.  The Unanswered Questions of Timothy
84.  Mickey the Assistant Manager
85.  Guesstimate Jones
86.  Goofus
87.  Gallant
88.  Sir Roundbelly DeDelight
89.  Newton Fig
90.  Chicken Nugget Will

Offline Matt

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SEVEN HUNDRED HOBO NAMES

(This being the tenth of seventy installments.)

91.  Parlor Peter, the Sneak Thief
92.  Ovid
93.  Bathsheba Ditz
94.  Alan Pockmark, Esq.
95.  Lolly Hoot Holler
96.  Von Skump
97.  Lonnie Choke
98.  Chisolm Chesthair
99.  Freak Le Freak, the Freakster
100.  Rex Spangler, the Bedazzler

Offline Matt

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Re: Random passages from John Hodgman's book, "The Areas of My Expertise."
« Reply #39 on: December 14, 2006, 09:56 AM »
SEVEN HUNDRED HOBO NAMES

(This being the eleventh of seventy installments.)

101.  Randall Mouth-Harp
102.  Chrysler LeBaron
103.  The Fishin' Physician
104.  Persuasive Frederick
105.  Celestial Stubbs
106.  Teary-Eyed Fingal
107.  Mairah Nix
108.  Cthulhu Carl
109.  Del Folksy-Beard
110.  No-Banjo Burnes

Offline Scott

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Re: Random passages from John Hodgman's book, "The Areas of My Expertise."
« Reply #40 on: December 19, 2006, 04:07 PM »
This book is a free download right now on iTunes...

Offline Sprry75

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Re: Random passages from John Hodgman's book, "The Areas of My Expertise."
« Reply #41 on: December 23, 2006, 10:40 AM »
Holy sweet Zeus...I've been amused by the random passages, but this book does not lend itself to the audio treatment.  I listened for about 45 minutes and wanted to take a nailgun to my temple.

I think I'll buy the book to set on the counter next to the john, though.  It's hilarious in 3-5 minute doses.
"Really?  Sorry."

Offline Matt

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SEVEN HUNDRED HOBO NAMES

(This being the twelfth of seventy installments.)

111.  Chainmail Giles Godfrey
112.  Lois "Charles" Ladyfinger
113.  Plausible Zane Scarrey
114.  Huckle Smothered
115.  MmmmmDandy Dundee
116.  Mountain-Humper Edgar Ames
117.  Spasmodic Hilary
118.  Doc Aquatic
119.  Molly Bewigged
120.  Cincinnati O'Gurk

Offline ruiner

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It's hilarious in 3-5 minute doses.

How about 7-12 minutes?

Offline Sprry75

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It's hilarious in 3-5 minute doses.

How about 7-12 minutes?


Nah, I only take that long when I'm "reading" Playboy.
"Really?  Sorry."