Joke Thread

[P'dubs]

ROFL. That's the greatest thing ever.
 

[Ben]

Why did the condom go flying across the room?


It got pissed off!
 

[Scott]

Women and Girls of the forum...I apologize in advance

My brother told me this one:

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive???
Because she was a woman

(ducks at flying shoe)

[DSJ™]

(ducks at flying shoe)

You need these!  

   

[Mikey D]

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive???
Because she was a woman

It's funny cause it's true.

(Ducks flying boots)

[JediMAC]

Not necessarily a joke, but pretty funny nonetheless...

Why Men are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood --! all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache!
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 45 minutes.

No wonder men are happier......

 

[Ben]

Oh, too true, man, too true.

[Ben]

Q: Why does Laura Bush always go on top during sex?

A: 'Cause George W. can only **** up.

[Starbee]

  I thought I'd start a jokes thread, well because, sometimes we all just need to laugh.   This is a joke about something that is an everyday thing in my city .  So here is your first laugh. 

 
       A blonde walks into a bank in Toronto and asks for the Loans Officer. She tells the Loans Officer that she is going on a business trip to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow 5,000.00. The Loans Officer says that the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car was parked on the street outside the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.  The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The Loans Officer and the bank employees all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground parking garage and park it there.
Two weeks later, the blond returns, repays the $5,000 and interest, which comes to $15.41. The Loans Officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000 ?"
The blonde replies..."Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it still to be there when I return?"

     

[Starbee]

Here's another one.  It's called woman RULE!

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.  She seductively signaled to the bartender who approached her immediately.  She gestured alluringly for the bartender to bring his face closer to hers.  As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no", he replied.

"Can you get him for me?  I need to speak to him", she says as she runs her hands beyond his face and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't",  breathed the bartender.  "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes.  I need you to give him a message", she continued running her forefinger across his lips and slyly, popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck then gently.

"What should I tell him?", the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him, she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

[iFett]

Gross!! 

[Starbee]

Thought for the day:

There is more money  being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's  research. This means that
by 2040, there should be a large elderly  population with perky boobs and
huge erections and absolutely no  recollection of what to do with them.
 

[Reid]

Here's one:

Sally is in sunday school. She falls asleep, and a few minutes after, the teacher asks a question. "Sally, who was crucified on the cross?" the teacher asks. The boy sitting behind Sally pokes her with a pencil and she immediatly wakes up and shouts "Jesus Christ!". The teacher praises her for the right answer. A few minutes later she falls asleep. The teacher asks "Sally, who is our savior?". Once again the boy behind Sally pokes here with a pencil and she wakes up and shouts "Jesus Christ!". The teacher again praises her for the right answer. She falls asleep again, and the teacher asks "Sally, what did Eve say to Adam after the 23rd child?". The boy behind Sally pokes her and she wakes up and screams "If you jab that thing in me one more time I'll break it in half!"

[Smartypants1635]

  dude that was distastedful, yet hilarious