Author Topic: Joke Thread  (Read 3079 times)

Offline inadvertent imitation

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Joke Thread
« on: January 17, 2004, 02:44 AM »
I'm not sure if this has been done here, but let's go with it anyway, eh?

This is the sickest joke I've heard in a while.


Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly.
After the coroner leaves with Steve's body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve's wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.

"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me!"

"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"

"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve's widow. And, she said she wasn't, so I said I'd bet her a six-pack she was!"
 
 ;D
 
don't you know there ain't no devil, there's just God when he's drunk

Offline JoshEEE

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2004, 02:47 AM »
From the Breakfast Club:

A naked blonde walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other.

The bartender says: "I guess you won't be needing a drink"
The blonde says:


(Will someone for the love of God please tell me the end of the joke).  :)
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Offline inadvertent imitation

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2004, 03:14 AM »
One of my all-time faves:

The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a d---.

don't you know there ain't no devil, there's just God when he's drunk

Offline JediMAC

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2004, 03:49 AM »
Oh no...  The official JD Joke Thread has finally arrived...   8)  You're gonna get us all in trouble now Ben!  I've got a ton of jokes sitting in my various e-mail inboxes.  Guess I'll have to sort through 'em all now and start spilling some of the better ones in here.  Hopefully no one gets too offended!   :P

Offline hansolo_506

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2004, 11:37 AM »
A joke that needs to be told in a thread like this:

A convict arrives at a new prison.  The prison chaplain greets him and tells him he will join him over the next few days to help fit him into prison life.  At dinner, they go into the cafeteria.  They sit and eat, with most of the prisoners quietly talking among themselves.

After dinner, one of the prisoneres stands up and shouts "34!".  Everyone starts laughing.  Another stands up and shouts "16!".  Same thing.  The new guy is curious and asks the chaplain what is going on.  The priest says "These guys have been in here so long, and haven't heard any new jokes in such a long time, that they just assigned a number to whatever joke they want to tell.  Saves time."

Oh, thinks the new guy.  Wanting to fit in, but not knowing what jokes are what number, he stands up anyway - "27!" - nothing - dead silence - so he trys again - "27!!!" - nothing.  He sits down.

"What happened?" says the new guy.  The priest just shakes his head and says "Some know how to tell a joke - some don't!"
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Offline Famine

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2004, 12:26 PM »
Nominated for Quote of the Year is the statement made by Texas
Congressman Dick Armey when asked, "If you had been in President
Clinton's place would you have resigned?"
 
Armey's reply: "If I had been in the president's place I would not have
gotten the chance to resign. I would have been lying in a pool of my own
blood, looking up, and listening to my wife ask,
 
'How do you reload this son of a bitch'?"


More dark humor if you ask me.


Kevin
The picture kept, will remind me...

Offline paploo

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2004, 02:14 PM »
A man walks into a bar and turns to the guy sitting next to him, and says "have you seen the new streets, they are made of this new space aged concrete" the other man looks at him confused and says "what are you talking about". the first then says "it is to stop people from killing themselves from jumping off the roof...they just bounce off and land on their feet, i will show you." both men walk outside, the first man climbs up to the top of the building and jumps off, and sure enough he bounces and lands on his feet. The second guy decides he has to try this, so he climbs up to the top of the building and jumps off......splat he is killed on impact.
The first man walks into the bar again, the bartender turns to him and says..."Superman you are one mean bastard"
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows-Aristotle Onasis

Offline inadvertent imitation

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #7 on: January 19, 2004, 02:33 AM »
This is pretty racy.

One drunken night a guy wakes up in a drunken stupor, opening his eyes he sees Claudia Schiffer on the bed next to him. He thinks this is a little odd, as he doesn't remember a thing, let alone going to bed with her. He decides to get up and get himself a drink from the fridge. He gets to the fridge and opens the door and is faced with a large suitcase. He takes the suitcase out of the fridge, puts it on the table and opens it to find $1 Million. This is just a little too much for the guy who thinks he is losing his mind. He wonders if he is hallucinating, so he goes to the window and draws back the blind. Outside on his front lawn is the Klu Klux Klan and dangling from the tree is an open noose, empty. They appear to be beckoning him and shouting.
Now the guy is really freaked out, he quickly draws the blind and turns around.

In the corner of his kitchen is a leprechaun, obviously drunk as well.

He asks the leprechaun what is going on.

"Well," says the leprechaun, "I was drunk last night as well, and as I was crossing the road, I was nearly run down. You ran across the road and pushed me to safety, so I granted you three wishes in return for saving me."

"Well, I can guess the first one" says the guy, "Supermodel, bed, yeah I got that one. What about the other two?"

"The money in the fridge?" says the leprechaun, "You asked for a cool million."

"And them out there?" asks the guy,

"You said you wanted to be hung like a black man."
don't you know there ain't no devil, there's just God when he's drunk

Offline inadvertent imitation

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #8 on: January 19, 2004, 02:37 AM »
And, because I haven't yet pissed off the few females here already:

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.
don't you know there ain't no devil, there's just God when he's drunk

Offline inadvertent imitation

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #9 on: January 19, 2004, 02:42 AM »
Last one tonight.

A Redheaded mom walks into her daughter's room, finds a beer bottle and says, "I never knew my daughter drank!"

A Brunette walks into her daughter's room, finds a pack of cigarettes and says, "I never knew my daughter smoked!"

A Blond mom walks into her daughter's room and finds a condom.
She says, "I never knew my daughter had a penis!"
don't you know there ain't no devil, there's just God when he's drunk

Offline paploo

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #10 on: January 19, 2004, 04:45 PM »
leprechauns give you gold, they dont grant wishes
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows-Aristotle Onasis

Offline Snively Bandar

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #11 on: January 19, 2004, 06:07 PM »
Funny stuff guys.  Keep them coming!  Here's my contribution:

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.  He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange.  His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.  Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man:  "What are you looking at you old fart......didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah.  Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot.  I thought maybe you were my son."

Offline inadvertent imitation

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #12 on: January 20, 2004, 12:09 AM »
leprechauns give you gold, they dont grant wishes

You know, it's a hell of a lot funnier if you just go with it. It's a ******* joke.
don't you know there ain't no devil, there's just God when he's drunk

Offline JediMAC

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #13 on: January 21, 2004, 03:24 PM »
Alright, forgive me - another crude one here:

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single, are you?"

The woman replies, very sarcastically "How'd you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're f***ing ugly."

Offline jokabofe

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #14 on: January 22, 2004, 02:23 AM »
adolf hitler approached the golden gates of heaven and st. peter stood before him. "name?" i am adolf hitler. peter looked down his list and said "sorry, your'e not welcome here". adolf said "if you let me in i will give you the iron cross - the highest order in all of germany."

jesus was standing nearby and told peter "i will handle this". he went and saw god, and told him "adolf hitler is at the gates and if i let him in he will give me the iron cross - the highest order in all of germany... what should i do?"
 
god said, "what are you going to do with an iron cross, you could'nt even carry your wooden one".