Author Topic: Coruscant Fighters  (Read 1848 times)

Offline 212th Battalion

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Coruscant Fighters
« on: June 19, 2006, 08:12 PM »
CORUSCANT FIGHTERS

Chapter 1: Attack on hoth!

On the planet of hoth Commander Baccara and General Mundi begin their search for general grevious...

Commander Baccara: Captain Rho set your men up into their groups and search for grevious.
Captain Rho: yes commander.
General Mundi: Bacara bring your group with me were going to where the droid base is supposidly at.

Alpha B-15: how come Commander Baccara is always on are tail about this stuff!?
Alpha A-23: Yeah i know.
Captin Rho: What are you men doing get back to your posts! your lucky im alot nicer then Bcacara or he would have killed you by now! Now move it!

Alpha B-15: Man i just want to shoot some stupid droids head off so bad!
Alpha A-23: We all do Alpha.

Alpha A-23: Hey whats that?
Alpha B-15: Whats what?

Alpha A-23: Destroyer!
Alpha B-15: huh?

Alpha A-23: No!!!!!

Alpha A-23: It's an ambush fight to the death!

Commander Bacara: What happend here captain!
Captain Rho: I dont know commander.
General Mundi: An ambush. They were out numbered.

Commander Bacara: Well did you find anything about Grevious being on this planet?
Captain Rho: Nothing but an abanded ship.

Commander Bacara: Well at least give them a proper burial captain.
Captain Rho: Yes sir.

Captain Rho: Your deaths will not be forgotten i promise.

Commander Baccara: Medic how many casualties did we have?
Medic: Only that one group commander.
Commander Bacara: Understood get into the ship medic were going home.

Commander Bacara: Oddball get us off this ice colld planet.
Commander OddBall: Yes sir.



« Last Edit: June 20, 2006, 06:52 PM by 212th Battalion »
Momar and Fester

Offline In Rem

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Re: Coruscant Fighters Chapter 1: Attack on hoth
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2006, 09:05 PM »
212 -

Not bad. Like you mentioned in over in the other thread, you have some focus issues. Try the tips I posted there.  I think with some attention to focus you'll end up with some great layouts here.

There isn't too much a story here... sort of a one-shot action comic. I like it, but the problem with one-shots is they have to REALLY sell themselves, meaning it has to be big, loud, and explosive... it's going to burn out quick, so don't hold back. :)

Keep tweaking. You're on your way.

Offline Diddly

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Re: Coruscant Fighters Chapter 1: Attack on hoth
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2006, 10:04 PM »
Hmm, it was okay, but there were some issues that rubbed me the wrong way.

First, and I CANNNOT stress this enough, PLEASE use proper spelling, grammar, punctuation, and capitalization! This is one of my biggest online pet peeves. Your sentences give your work somewhat of an unproffessional feel, and it also looks like it's just one large sentence. So work on that. Perhaps add some HTML code as well, like bolding the speaker's name, or italicize the actions that characters make.

Also, try to make sure that your pictures are posted in a separate line, and not right after the text ends. This makes some of the text go down to the bottom of the picture, and it makes your sentences harder to read.

You already said you'll be improving your camera work, so that's good. Also, try improving the lighting.

Hopefully with the advice given, you'll be on your way to creating a better photonovel! :)

Offline 212th Battalion

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Re: Coruscant Fighters Chapter 1: Attack on hoth
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2006, 02:24 PM »
thanks for the tip guys i'll make sure that my next chapter is way better with pics being more clearer and better looking and that my grammer and everything else is correct and easy to read
Momar and Fester

Offline Quazar

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Re: Coruscant Fighters Chapter 1: Attack on hoth
« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2006, 04:08 PM »
I agree with what's been said so far about spelling, grammar, etc.

And the picture quality, as well. 

I do really like the "funeral" shot with the helmets on the rifles.  Very well-done!

Try to get some cheap posterboard to cover up things like carpeting.  Makes the images that much more convincing.  In this case, if you had white posterboard AND used the snowy backdrop, the results would have been quite good.  However, we got to see bits of the carpet sneaking into the frame.
 
However, at least right now, with the large number of Clone Trooper based photonovels here and on ther sites, I think you need to develop some kind of unique hook or premise to set this apart.  From a story point of view, this certainly isn't "bad" at all, but it does feel a little familiar.

See if there's something you can do to make this stand out a little bit or at least give us a little more emphasis on your characters so they really come to life.

I look forward to seeing your next story, as I am sure you will continue to improve.   
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Offline CHEWIE

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Re: Coruscant Fighters Chapter 1: Attack on hoth
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2006, 04:16 PM »
I agree with what everyone has said, and look forward to seeing future updates.  But the best part is that you are seeking advice and tips.  That, along with practice is the best way to improve.

Good work, looking forward to more!

 :)

Offline 212th Battalion

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Re: Coruscant Fighters Chapter 1: Attack on hoth
« Reply #6 on: June 20, 2006, 06:51 PM »
Coruscant Fighters

Chapter 2

When Ki-Adi-Mundi returns from his failed mission he is greated by jedi master Obi-Wan, Kit-Fisto, Plo-Koon.


Obi-Wan- We are all sorry about your troopers deaths but we have important matters to attend to.

Plo-Koon- Grevious was said to have been spotted on Raxis Prime. General Kenobi has been set there to see if he is there and to destroy the droid base there.

Obi-Wan- I will be accompinied by the 212th battalion hopefully this mission is a succes.

Ki-Adi-Mundi- Yes that would be very good kenobi. May the force be with you and all of us.



Obi-Wan- Commander Cody are your men in the ship and ready to go?

Commander Cody- Yes they are general were ready for take off when you are.

Obi-Wan- Then lets get a move on Cody.

Commander Cody- Yes sir.



Luminara-Undi- You called for me chancellor.

Palpatine- Yes Luminara i've been wanting to discuss your failed missions with grevious.



Palpatine- You've failed to many missons and killed to many clone on those missions.

Luminara-Undi- It was not my falut there were to many droids.



Palpatine- Of course there were luminara of course their were.

Luminara-Undi- What are you doing?



Palpatine- Killing you! You jedi are a fading light in the republic and now you must die!

Luminara-Undi- Nooooo!!!!!...



Palpatine- Burn the bodie their must be no evidence!



Royal Guards- Yes my lord.



Kit-Fisto- Master Windu have you heard back from master Luminara yet?

Mace-Windu- No I havent. I sence that something terrible has happened.



Momar and Fester

Offline Greg

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Re: Coruscant Fighters
« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2006, 08:58 PM »
I must say, your story's quality has really improved greatly. Your background was much better, though it was somewhat plain. The picture quality was so much better. I really like the new twist with Palpatine. I am curious, though. Is this supposed to be an alternate Revenge of the Sith?

Offline 212th Battalion

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Re: Coruscant Fighters
« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2006, 09:32 PM »
well its sort of like rots but im gonna make my own version of it
Momar and Fester

Offline 212th Battalion

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Re: Coruscant Fighters
« Reply #9 on: June 20, 2006, 10:34 PM »
Corscant Fighters

Chapter 3

Palpatine slowlys enters the senate chambers waiting for some one unknown.


Palpatine- Are you here?

Captain shadow- Yes.



Palpatine- I have a mission for you.

Captain Shadow- Whats the mission?

Papatine- I want you to go and kill Jedi master Shakk ti.



Captain Shadow- It will be done.





While shak-ti meditates

Shak-Ti- Focus be one with the force around me i must.



Shak-Ti- Whats that?



*shots fired*

Captain Shawdow- You jedi are all the same stupid and weak.



Captain Shawdow- Heres what you wanted.

Palpatine- Very good captain very good.



Palpatine- You may go back to kamino and finish traing the other shadow troopers.

Captain Shawdow- Thank you.

Momar and Fester

Offline 212th Battalion

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Re: Coruscant Fighters
« Reply #10 on: June 21, 2006, 08:38 PM »
Coruscant Fighters

Chapter 4


Mean While on Raxis Prime..

Commander Cody- What is it General?

Obi-Wan- These are lightsaber marks.

Commander Cody- Grevious?

Obi-Wan- Yes.



Commander Cody- What is Lez?

Lez- We've spotted the droid base.

Commander Cody- are you sure?

Lez- Yes and we think Grevious is in their.



Commander Cody- Make sure of it and check with the bonoculars.

Lez- Yes sir.



Commander Cody- What do you see.

Lez- I see...



* Thousands of droids*



* A captured jedi*

Obi-Wan- Who?

Lez- I cant tell



* Grevious!*

Obi-Wan- Are you sure?

Lez-  yes i can see the bodie guards.



Commander Cody- Lez call for reinforcements tell them we found general grevious.

Lez- Yes sir!

Obi-Wan- This war will end today!

Commander Cody- Yes general we can only hope.

Momar and Fester

Offline CHEWIE

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Re: Coruscant Fighters
« Reply #11 on: June 22, 2006, 12:34 AM »
212th Battalion, you really need to work on the grammar/spelling some more... do you have spell check on Word?  Even a few little things like "Kenobi" aren't capitalized when they should be.

Not trying to knock your work, just offering suggestions.

Good to see you working on creating a more diorama feel for some of the shots.

 :)

Offline 212th Battalion

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Re: Coruscant Fighters
« Reply #12 on: June 22, 2006, 01:59 PM »
Chewie- thanks for the advice i will try and do my best the next time thanks for the advice
Momar and Fester

Offline 212th Battalion

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Re: Coruscant Fighters
« Reply #13 on: June 22, 2006, 05:15 PM »
Coruscant Fighters

Chapter 5


While Obi-Wan and the 212th battalion wait for reinforcements Grevious meets with his master...


General Grevious- What is it my master?

Darth Sidious- Our droid recon group found an army of clones.

General Grevious- Impossible!

Darth Sidious- Unfortunatley not.



Darth Sidious- Prepare the droids that you have for battle. When you start to lose to much of your men tell them to retreat and meet up with Count Dooku.

General Grevious- It will be done my lord.

Darth Sidious- Do not fail me.



General Grevious- Sun Fac Prepare the droid army!

Sun Fac- Yes general.



Zan-Plok- General may i eliminate Anakin Skywalker.?

General Grevious- What ever pleases you padawan.

Zan-Plok- Thank you.



Obi-Wan- Troops we have waited long for this day! Dont let any of these droids live!

Clone Troopers- Whoo Ra!!!



General Grevious- Kill them all thay dont deserve to live!

Droids- Roger Roger.



* Attack!!!!*



* As the battle rages on droid bodies are flying every where*



Captain Fordo- Sorry were late sir!

Obi-Wan- Make up it on the battle field !

Captain Fordo- Yes sir!



General Grevious- You will both die!

Anakin- I dont think so!

General Grevious- Retreat all droids retreat to the invisible hand!



Anakin- Kill them dont let them retreat!



* 5 hours after the carnage*

Captain Fordo- General Grevious excaped.

Obi-Wan- Its ok we at least know where hes going. Get your men back to the ship i'll meet you there yes sir.



Commander Cody- General we lost only 10 troopers during this battle.

Obi-Wan- Bring their bodies on board they will be buried in their home on coruscant.

Commander Cody- Yes sir!

« Last Edit: June 22, 2006, 10:41 PM by 212th Battalion »
Momar and Fester

Offline blaster_e11

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Re: Coruscant Fighters
« Reply #14 on: June 26, 2006, 09:40 AM »
well it's an interesting story even though i can't see whre you're going with it but it's getting better,

i agree with the others : better spelling/grammar would help a lot
"Wars don't make one great"