Author Topic: STAR WARS: Ad Hoc Imperium  (Read 774 times)

Offline Vator

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STAR WARS: Ad Hoc Imperium
« on: May 28, 2007, 05:22 AM »
STAR WARS: Ad Hoc Imperium

...

Following the defeat of the Galactic Empire at Endor, and various struggles of succession which occurred after that, the remaining factions of the Galactic Empire, collectively referred to as "The Imperial Remnant", devolved into splintered totalitarian fiefdoms spread across the vast reaches of the known Galaxy. The three main Remnant factions- the Imperial Moffdom of Na'zareki, the United Governorates of Kuat-Teilweiss, and the so-called Republic of Khiva- have for several years dictated a loosely coordinated imperial policy, and on several occasions have managed to effectively combat the expansionist policies of the New Republic. However, the sustainability of this new, contentious system of inter-empire alliances has recently been called into question. 

On the planet Herat, inside the United Governorates of Kuat-Teilweiss, the redoubtable revolutionary General Ostorbanyenchi has led an assault on the Governorates' garrison in the city of Phumal. There, the situation is becoming increasingly desperate for Remnant forces. Ostorbanyenchi, supported by Clergy of Alrud, has managed to rouse the population into a state of religious fervor through denouncing the economic ruin that Governorate raw-ore policies have brought to Herat as signs from The Creator the "heresy of impure Herati women, who engage in miscegenation with off-world men, is redeemable" only through armed revolution and the re-establishment of pre-Republic Sha'rehka Law. It is suspected that the General has been supplied by the Amertage of Herat- a Pan-Imperialist terrorist organization which seeks to unite the Imperial Remanent and conquer the New Republic. Amertage of Herat, it has been established, is based interchangeably within the borders of the New Republic and the Imperial Moffdom of Na'zareki. The reluctance of Grand Moff Na'zareki II to persecute a war against the Amertage of Herat compounds has long been a source of Governorate ire. Now the United Governorates of Kuat-Teilweiss is seeking help from an unlikely source- the New Republic Expeditionary Forces- to launch an independent offensive against Amertage of Herat.


***

Ext. M÷dlier-Kavenshk Sector 989- Neutral Zone. For several days, the caravans of the Governorate ambassadors have streamed through space towards the point where AMBASSADOR JANEK HOVEMST of the New Republic has arranged to meet them. In the distance, a small archipelago of space stations orbit a dimming ice moon. Surplus TIE-Fighters stream ahead of the caravan and circle the landzone.



PILOT:
Alright, that's far enough. FTK149- I repeat, FTK149. Station Master, do you read me?

*STATION MASTER*:
MKS989 Station Master acknowledges. You party may proceed.



The TIE-Fighters break pattern and begin to attach themselves to the hulls of the various ships of the Caravan. Soon, the ships land and the representatives disembark from the crafts. Approaching in the near distance comes the Republican Ambassador and his secret envoy. TOMMAROFF USSANE, the head of the Governorate party, steps forward to greet the Republican Ambassador.



TOMMAROFF USSANE:
I trust all is well, esteemed Ambassador.

JANEK HOVEMST:
We haven't the time nor the need for such nonsense. Our government has explicitly mandated that our services here run for no more than two standard hours. To breach those confines would be to seriously endanger our positions in the Department.



TOMMAROFF:
Ah, of course. I trust that you received our communiquÚ regarding the situation on Herat?

JANEK:
Indeed. The city of Phumal has just fallen, we are told.

TOMMAROFF:
Which only makes the matters discussed here all the more pressing! You are well aware that nearly 65% of all of Herati raw-ore passes through the Phumal spaceport. Governorate auxiliary forces have managed to secure the spaceport, but it is only a matter of time. Should we loose the spaceport, your government would stand to loose it's entire source of Herati raw-ore. I suppose, then, that I needn't make mention of what that would do to the Department of Reparations and Reconstruction, or to the investment firms upon which the Outer Rim economies seem so damned dependent on.



JANEK:
Were we not aware of this, do you actually suppose that we would be meeting here now? Obviously not. Coruscant is willing to make you a deal, exclusive to the other Remnant powers, involving direct economic integration and investment. Your coffers, we've been made to understand, are running somewhat low at the moment?

TOMMAROFF:
That's a well know fact, Republic Ambassador. The Kuat-Teilweiss administrators are unable to manage this confederation within it's constitutional constraints. There are too many opportunistic military personnel, left-overs from the Palpatine age, who seek to carve up their own pieces. It's a disincentive for commerce, internal or external!

JANEK:
Which is what has enabled folks like Obstorbanyenchi to rise to the occasion.

TOMMAROFF:
Which is why we need your assitance in ransacking the Amertage of Herat compound in Na'zarkei's realm. We lack the projective capabilities to effectively strike there ourselves, and Na'zarkei has been unhelpful to say the least. And your government claims sovereignty over the space anyway!

JANEK:
Economic aide, but not military. Haven't you any idea what cost such a strike would have on relations between our spheres? Huge, that's what! The populace is weary, at least now that Thrawn is taken care of. They tire of perpetual conflict, and are willing to cease the expansion of the Republic if that's what it takes. Pod Racing, holodramas! That's what they care about, not Amertage of Herat.



TOMMAROFF:
What good is investment when we've nothing to stop our confederation from being torn asunder? This is the flaw in your thinking, Republic Ambassador. If you are unwilling to assist us, then we have absolutely no other option than to immediately cease shipment of Herati raw-ore.

JANEK:
You'll bring ruin to us all! Esteemed ambassador, I implore you to make clear to your masters the paramount need for them to reconsider. The Republic will not allow Herati raw-ore shipments to be ended. We are prepared to secure them ourselves.

TOMMAROFF:
Madmen! Madmen, all of you! Na'zarkei is unwilling to attack Amertage of Herat, but you? And Khiva? You've no choice but to acquiesce to our requests, for you alone cannot withstand the fury of the Imperial nations!



JANEK:
We shall see, then, good Governorate Ambassador. I bid you safe passage. May the Force be with you.

The New Republic ambassador then departs, boards his shuttle, and leaves for Coruscant. Enraged, the Governorate delegation raises a line of communication with the Supreme Leaders and informs them of the immediate need for the mobilization of the strategic defense corps.
***

City of Phumal. Night, Governorate Citadel. General Ostorbanyenchi stands in the corner of a hallway, watching the light of the fires still burning in the yard dance upwards into the heavens. Approaching from the right, his lieutenant and chief of staff, HEIDROHL YUVOK.



HEIDROHL:
The Governorate Strategic Defense Corps have been raised. How do you find? Do you suppose the entire confederation is attempting to stop us?

OSTORBANYENCHI:
By no means. Gran Ghroffka has assured me of this. The New Republic is preparing an offensive to capture the city.

HEIDROHL:
The New Republic?! I cannot believe it. Our actions here today have set off such a war?



OSTORBANYENCHI:
Aye. It is just as I have discussed with Gran Ghroffka. Once the Republic forces have attacked, the whole of the Remnant will be forced to come to repell them. Meanwhile, we will agree to support Republic forces once they arrive. Amertage of Herat will then force Na'zareki II to abdicate the thrown in favor of his nephew, Kehmal. Kehmal is a pragmatist, a man we can trust. He will ensure that our goals are carried out.

HEIDROHL:
And the Clergy? Surely they won't be supportive of any of this.

OSTORBANYENCHI:
Bah! What matters it to us what they make of it? The populace is fickle, Yukov. Once they're distracted by their appearant prosperity, they'll forget all about the Clergy and their inane laws of adherence to Sha'rehka!

HEIDROHL:
But even supposing that to be so, General-

OSTORBANYENCHI:
Haven't you any faith in Gran Ghroffka? They are able to make things happen. You shall see.

HEIDROHL:
Right, then. The emissary from the Pogromzmynal Brigade is here. He'd like to know when he can expect his payment...

OSTORBANYENCHI:
Is the captured hardware not enough for him? Bah! These mercenaries, all alike. Send for him, Heidrohl. I want to speak with him personally, but first- raise Gran Ghroffka via the holographic communicator. I want them to see the fools whom they've hired in place of professionals.

HEIDROHL makes off to perform the assigned tasks while the general paces about nervously. Soon, the emissary of the Pogromzymnal Brigade- REINENGALD LORRE- enters. He is flanked by four troopers, each in Phase II Clonetrooper Armor adorned in the regimental colors of the famed 212th Battalion. REINENGALD is the son of CT-989, an NCO of Cody's regiment whom was separated from his unit not long after the battle of Utapau.



REINENGALD:
General, we grow tired of being made to wait for a reply. Do tell us, where to go we for our payment?



OSTORBANYENCHI:
Charming. Did you enjoy the fight, Mighty Emissary?

REINENGALD:
A fight is a fight, Mighty Herati General Osterbanyenchi. Yet, this isn't why we've come to see you this fine eve. We request our payment.



OSTORBANYENCHI:
Just a moment. Good sirs, might I introduce you to your true employer? Here we are, good sirs- yes, look deep into the display. Ah, I present to you Gran Ghroffka!



CONTINUED?!
- June 22, 2004 12:13 AM -

Offline Quazar

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Re: STAR WARS: Ad Hoc Imperium
« Reply #1 on: May 28, 2007, 06:50 AM »
There were a couple of broken picture links here.  Not sure if it was my internet (which has been wonky of late) or on your end.  You might want to double-check.

That said....

Phew.  This was a dense....and I mean DENSE photonovel.

I know that many people are adverse to "political" Star Wars stories - including those aspects in the PT - and just prefer straight action/adventure.

I am not one of those people.  I do enjoy intrigue and political double dealing and I do think those stories have a place in the vast SW universe.

That said, this baby is a bit too much even for my tastes.

The opening narration is incredibly long and thick with description.  Thankfully, all of it is extremely well-written, but it is a bit hard to remember the various factions, characters, alliances and motivations.  You have clearly put an ENORMOUS amount of thought into this, but I think you should try - if it's possible at this point - to scale back a little and try to simplify the story.

The pics are good, but a little blurry in spots.  I like the dramatically dim lighting, but that might have affected the resolution of your images.  I don't know if you have editing software, but sometimes it's better to shoot in bright light and try to manipulate the lighting after the fact.

The shots of the TIE's are cool and you do a good job in making those shots work in spite of the lack of visual effects.

But, really, this story is just a little too complex.  I definitely like the writing and think that you have some very intriguing story threads going on here, but even by the end of this somewhat short chapter I was beginning to get a little lost. 

Photonovels are like comic books - you need to tell your story visually, relying on as few words as possible.  Again, I must stress that the writing is quite good, as is the dialogue.  But it is a lot to process.  At times, it seemed more like C-Span than Star Wars.  (but I did like some of the vaguely topical ideas here like the religious fanaticism.)

In any event, good luck with the rest of the story, I enjoyed it and I'll definitely keep checking it out.  I am certainly interested to see where it's headed.  But I think you're asking maybe a little too much of the audience with the extremely complex backstory here.  If you can streamline a bit, I urge you to do so.

Good luck!

« Last Edit: May 28, 2007, 01:40 PM by Quazar »
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Offline Vator

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Re: STAR WARS: Ad Hoc Imperium
« Reply #2 on: May 28, 2007, 01:11 PM »
Thank you for the lengthy reply, Lance!

Regarding: Opening narration, potential scale-back...

You know, I can totally understand where you're coming from, Lance. This has always been a flaw of mine as a writer, I feel. However, in this instance, the amount of information presented is about where I need it to be for the succeeding chapters. The immense ambiguity of the Galaxy created in this chapter is purposeful, though I think you'll be pleasantly suprised by how much clearer things become even in the second installment. Mayhaps, however, a Dramatis PersonŠ is called for here...

Regarding: Picture quality

Um-Hm. I'm afraid that the blurry nature of some of these shots is due to the regrettable nature of the camera employed. It's just not very good for this kind of shooting. I am glad that you liked the lighting, though! I was rather pleased with it myself. I have both Photoshop 7 and CS 3, and did infact edit the vast majority of these shots in said programs last night. I'll see what I can do, however, to implement some of your suggestions. Danke!  :)

Regarding: Alles etwas

Ha-ha, well you know it would stand to reason that this would seem C-SPANesq. I freaking love C-SPAN! Primary sources of information, for the win. Anyway, as I said earlier things will become much clearer later on in the narrative. Patience!  :P There's also a lot less of this type of political banter in later installments, although the evolution of the New Republic into a collectivised, totalitarian society and the effect of "Force Paranoia" and discrimination on the OT Heroes does set forth the need for such a manner of speaking. But that's for later!

I'm glad that you enjoyed it, though, Quazar. I think you'll be pleasantly suprised by the second installment.

***
Dramatis PersonŠ

...

Gran Ghroffka- mysterious Pan-Imperialist entity behind Ostorbanyenchi, Amertage of Herat, Grand Moff Na'zareki II

General Ostorbanyenchi- Populist revolutionary leader of Herati
insurrection, secret Pan-Imperialist operative

Grand Moff Na'zareki II- Incompetent and complacent regent of the Imperial Moffdom of Na'zareki

Tommaroff Ussane- Ambassador of the Unified Governorates of Kuat-Teilweiss to the New Republic

Janek Hovemst- Ambassador of the New Republic to the "Nations of the Imperial Remnent"

Heidrohl Yukov- Lieutenant to General Ostorbanyenchi

Reinengald Lorre- Emissary of the Pogromzymnal Brigade, son of 212th Battalion Clone.
- June 22, 2004 12:13 AM -