G.I. Joe - The Movie (Live Action)

[BillCable]

The reviews were removed at the studio's request.  Can you give us the Cliff's Notes version?

[Sprry75]

Yeah, but my summary will kind of suck.  Still, possible SPOILERS AHEAD...

It starts out in flashback with one of Destro's ancestors being tried for insurrection or something for providing arms to Louis XIV, and his punishment is that he has an iron mask sealed to his face.  Flash forward to the present, and current Destro/McCullen/whatever is presenting something to the UN about nanobites or some super bug tech weapon.  Hawk is there and hears about it.  IIRC, he and Destro are kind of working together to get some warheads shipped somewhere, but Hawk is suspicious of him.

Duke and Ripcord--who apparently aren't Joes yet--are doing something to facilitate safe transfer of the warheads when the Baroness, Storm Shadow and a bunch of Nano Vipers try and intercept the warheads.  Ripcord is apparently a bumbling, goofy, Jar Jar Binks type character who keeps screwing up in all the right ways.  Naturally, after the battle, he and Duke are recruited to join G.I. Joe.  Hawk somehow winds up in a wheelchair, and there is some kind of cool Cobra Typhoon airship or something.

Then there's a flashback about how Duke used to date the Baroness (Ana DeCobray) but she dumped him after he accidentally got her brother killed.  As it turns out, however, her brother isn't really dead, but is working for Destro as The Doctor (not Mindbender...you'll see why in a second).  Plus Baroness isn't really evil, but she's under some kind of mind control, and Duke knows this, but it doesn't stop him from wanting to kill her.  Also at some point, Snake Eyes' backstory is retconned to make him a French orphan who is taken in by the Arishikage clan and the Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow sword brother story is told.

Eventually, it is discovered that Destro's up to no good and has been in cahoots with the Baroness trying to double deal on the warheads.  Destro releases his nanotech weapon on the Eiffel Tower, and the Joes try to save the day using some kind of kick ass super body armor.  They fail, and the Eiffel Tower goes down.  Then Hawk sends the Joes (via Submarine, piloted by Shipwreck) to attack Destro's underwater arctic base.  During the battle, The Doctor gets some kind of nanogoo on his face, and gets pissed and starts calling himself The Commander (dun-dun-dun).  Then the Joes save the day, but Cobra Commander vows revenge.

Wow.  It sounds even worse when I tell it.

[BillCable]

At least since Snake Eyes never talks we won't have to worry about Ray Park with a French accent.  Unless they screwed that up, too... 

It does sound truly, epically bad the way you tell it.   

[efranks]

That sounds like the worst thing I've ever heard of that wasn't directed by Uwe Boll.

   E...

[Sprry75]

My kid was watching the "Pyramid of Darkness" DVD that came with the Quick Kick battle pack, and as Zartan unleashed the Fatal Fluffies aboard Space Station Delta, I realized that maybe I've been expecting a little too much from the live action adaptation....

[Sprry75]

Yeah.  I think I'm officially in the haters column now.

From the Channing Tatum interview with IESB:

Q: How daunting was it for you to go into the lead of a huge Hollywood movie, like with G.I. Joe?

CT: That type of a film is not only daunting, in general, for a seasoned actor or an actor that has done one of those films before, lower on the call sheet, but I had no idea what I was doing. I had no clue. I was terrified of the movie. I really had no aspirations to go do a huge film like that, in my career yet. I didn’t really feel ready for it. I kinda got thrown into it. In doing so, it really opened my mind to the fact that it’s just acting, but it’s a different style of acting. It’s more skipping along the surface. It is about the big explosions. You’re not sitting there, trying to do Shakespeare.

Q: You can’t take these big blockbuster films seriously, so where is the line between taking the work seriously and just completely realizing how ridiculous the whole thing is?

CT: You kinda find it and you laugh at it. That’s the only way to really do it. I don’t know anyone that wasn’t laughing on G.I. Joe, all the time. Marlon Wayans is my partner in the movie, and we laughed through the entire thing. I was sitting there, looking at a green screen, yelling, “Rip cord!!! Noooo!,” and you’re just like, “What am I doing?” Or, you’re like, “You get the rockets, I’ll get the nanomites. What a minute! What are nanomites? I don’t know what’s going on!” But, you just have fun with it, and you just pray that they get a good take because you don’t know what anything looks like and you don’t know what you’re reacting to. They’re like, “Look right! Look left!,” and you don’t know what’s happening. You can only trust your director.

Q:Do you feel like you have to overact in something that size?

CT: Yeah, exactly. I was afraid of overacting, but that’s what you can’t be afraid of. You don’t have to overact. I was the guy that they’d have to pull it out of. I was like, “No, man, it just feels too big. I can’t do it!” (Director) Stephen Sommers was like, “Just trust me. Promise me you’re going to do it, and I promise you I won’t use the take if it’s not right.” It would be like pulling teeth, but I’d do it. It fits. I couldn’t believe it. I thought I was just the worst actor on the planet.

Q: What was the line you had to say that made you think, “I will never be able to say this with a straight face!”?

CT:There were so many! Every single one of the lines was like that. I don’t think it actually made it into the film, but I had to say, “Action figure sold separately,” or something like that. And, Marlon had a line where he says, “You’ve got a Kung Fu Grip!” All the G.I. Joe dolls had the Kung Fu Grip, and he had to say that about somebody that grabbed him. I was like, “That ain’t ever gonna work! That’s never, ever gonna be in the movie!” And, it’s in the movie and it works. All the fanboys will be like, “Yeah!!!” People who don’t know about the Kung Fu Grip will just be like, “Whatever, that’s just what he chose to say right then.”

Q: So, the film is self-referential?

CT: Yeah. It’s very self-referential sometimes, just for the wink at the crowd.

Q: Are you prepared for the fan reaction that you’ll get?

CT: I don’t think I can honestly say that I’m ready, if it does good. If it doesn’t do good, then I’m totally ready. It’s just gonna to be like it is now.

[Chris M]

Sounds like they are trying to tactfully say this movie will be the biggest suck job of the summer.  Gee, I can't wait.

[efranks]

Q:Do you feel like you have to overact in something that size?

CT: Yeah, exactly. I was afraid of overacting

Says the monosylabic actor from such hits as Supercross, Step Up and Step Up 2: The Streets as well as Fighting. 

   E...

[BillCable]

I'm hoping for a bomb so epic that it changes the way studios think about adapting our childhood properties.  Makes me wish Watchmen made more money, because at least he tried to treat the source material with reverence.

[BillCable]

Replace Thundercats with GI JOE and Bay with Sommers...

Profanity warning.   

[knashdx]

Replace Thundercats with GI JOE and Bay with Sommers...

Profanity warning.   

If that is truely the case - just having Michael Bay signed to anything means it will be "The suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!"

[efranks]

According to executives, Warner Bros. settled on Bay after a 12-month search of Hollywood's most reviled directors, including Joel Schumacher, Roland Emmerich, and Brett Ratner.

Where is Uwe Boll on that list?

   E...

[BillCable]

They said "Hollywood's" - Boll is exiled to Germany.   

[knashdx]

According to executives, Warner Bros. settled on Bay after a 12-month search of Hollywood's most reviled directors, including Joel Schumacher, Roland Emmerich, and Brett Ratner.

Where is Uwe Boll on that list?

   E...

What the hell was this - Worst Directors Ever? I mean seriously the guys from South Park could do a better job! And we all remember BASEketball.

[GrandMoffNick]

What the hell was this - Worst Directors Ever? I mean seriously the guys from South Park could do a better job! And we all remember BASEketball.

I'm not saying BASEketball was good, but I don't think the idea behind it was to make a great film.