Article by Joel Perry
ANCHORAGE, AK --- Speaking to an assembly, noted arctic explorer, Y. Cornelius announced the discovery of an island just off Alaska's northern coast populated solely by somewhat different and therefore unappreciated toys.
Hours later, President Bush, after consulting with cabinent members Exxon, Shell and Texaco, declared the island a threat to U.S. security.
"They are ruled by a shadowy King Moonracer," said the President, "who, according to British intelligence, bought nuclear materials from the country of Niger which has clear al Qaeda ties. It also sits on oil so I'm bombing the crap out of it."
Moral reasons were also given for attacking this hitherto unknown island.
Citing a Charlie-in-a-box and a choo-choo with square wheels, Bush said, "These toys are clearly not made as God intended."
The President was particularly offended by a cowboy who rides an ostrich.
"Since I am threatened by what I do not understand, I support a Constitutional amendment preventing cowboys from riding ostriches."
He was later booed in protest by a large group of pointy-eared elves lead by one identified only as Herbie, who vowed to challenge the President, find homes for the toys and become a dentist.