Star Wars humor

[jkno]

Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words


We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it
counts.

I find your lack of pants disturbing.

These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we
use it.

Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.

I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants?

Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

You are unwise to lower your pants.

She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to
retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on
board.

You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark.

Luke... Help me remove these pants.

Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence
of my old master.

Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily
guarded than this.

Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially
one... Your sister!

Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the
first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

Short pants is better than no pants at all.




 

[jkno]

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road..In the Words of the Star Wars
Characters


YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.

VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

LUKE: Crossing the road is one thing, this is.... totally different.

LUKE: I want to follow the ways of the chicken and cross the road like
my father.

LEIA: I don't know... but I have a bad feeling about this.

HAN: Hurry up, colonel sanders, or you're gonna be a permanent
resident!

THREEPIO: I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.

ARTOO: beep beep be bop.

CHEWIE: Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!

BEN: Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken - trust me.

BOBA FETT: What if the chicken doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to
me!

WEDGE: My scope shows the other side but it looks really far, are you
sure you can cross it?

JERJERROD: The chicken is crossing the road? We shall double our
efforts.

BIB: Die chicken wanga?

BIGGS: At that speed, will you be able to cross in time?

TARKIN: The regional governors now have direct control over their
chickens. Fear will keep those chickens in line... fear of getting hit
by a car!

UNCLE OWEN: I told you to forget it. You're only concern is to cross
that road.

AUNT BERU: He can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have
already crossed. It means so much to him.

ADMIRAL ACKBAR: All chickens - prepare to cross the road on my mark

LANDO: Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot
of guts crossing that road, after what you pulled!

EMPEROR: Young fool. Only now, after getting hit by a car do you
understand.

JABBA: Bo shuda chicken!  

[jkno]

Star Wars - Bespin Duel: Darth Vader vs Luke Skywalker

A furious light saber duel is under way. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks round, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.
DARTH VADER: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father."
LUKE: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"
DARTH VADER: "No! I am your father!"
LUKE: "No, it's not true! It's impossible."
DARTH VADER: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true."
LUKE: "NO!"
DARTH VADER: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?"
LUKE: "Threepio?"
DARTH VADER: "Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old."
LUKE: "No."
DARTH VADER: "Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp."
LUKE: "I worked hard on that moisture farm."
DARTH VADER: "What? Hauling buckets? I spent my childhood as a slave then *real* Jedi training, not 'a few days in the swamp with Yoda'."
LUKE: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!"
DARTH VADER: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!"
LUKE: "Well, it's not my fault."
DARTH VADER: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me, my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith.. waahhh wahhh!'"
LUKE: "Shut up."
DARTH VADER: "You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had
exterminated the Jedi knights!"
LUKE: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!"
DARTH VADER: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor ... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby!"

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.

DARTH VADER: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine."
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

DARTH VADER: "And get a haircut!"
 ƒº

[jkno]

Star Wars - Behind Camera


Obi-Wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker, C-3PO and R2-D2 step into Docking Bay 94 and see Captain Han Solo cleaning up a Corellian YT-1300 Crater, more specifically the Millennium Falcon, the ship that would save their lives time and again during the following years. At the sight of the ship, all Luke could say is...
Luke: What a piece of junk!
Han: JUNK?! Kid, this is the Millennium Falcon. She may not look like much but let me tell you something. She’s the fastest ship in this entire galaxy! She’ll make .5 pass lightspeed. And you call it a piece of junk?
Luke: Oh, I’m sorry! I’m sure she was beautiful in her youth. But I’m afraid it’s about time she be put to sleep. You know, I didn’t see many space ships at my time, but, ahh... yes, it’s a piece of junk, trash, space junk!
Han: Why you little... Ah, but why am I wasting my time with you? You wouldn’t know a good ship if it smacked you in the face.
Luke: Hey! I’ve piloted a lot of ships at my time!
Han: Yeah, and I bet the galactic traffic celebrates the fact that your piloting license’s been revoked.
Luke: I bet I can out-pilot you, you victim of a ran away brain!
Han: Oh, please... You see that star over there?
Luke: What star?
Han: Exactly!
Obi-Wan: What nonsense are you arguing about now?
Luke: It’s not nonsense!
Han: Yeah, Junior here thinks he can fly a ship. You put some sense into him, old man!
Obi-Wan: Luke, you can’t fly a ship!
Luke: But...
Obi-Wan: And you, my friend... your ship is a piece of junk!
Han: Hey!
Obi-Wan: OK! Is everyone happy? Can we go now?



Well, we all know what happens in the movies, but what happens behind the cameras remains a mystery... or does it? Let’s see, shall we?
Here they are! Our three heroes finally having some peace and quiet after a hard day’s work...
George Lucas: Hamill! Fisher! Ford! In my trailer, NOW!
Harrison Ford: For peace sake! Can’t a guy enjoy a few minutes with his friends around here?
Carrie Fisher: Now don’t get angry, Harrison! I’m sure he has a good reason... this time.
Mark Hamill: If he doesn’t, I have a good recipe for executive director stew.
C.F.: OK, guys! Calm down! Let’s just go and see what the hell he wants.
M.H.: I wonder how he’s gonna surprise us this time. Is he gonna make Chewbacca my mother?
H.F.: Oh, come on! He already made Vader your father. He can’t be that cruel.
C.F.: I don’t know about that. I mean... look at you!
H.F.: What’s that supposed to mean? We’re only supposed to fight in the movie... or are you enjoying that?
G.L.: There you are! Get in here!
   Our heroes are now in G.L.’s trailer and are waiting to hear what he has to say.
H.F.: It’s gonna hit us hard. We’d better sit down.
G.L.: I’m changing the script!
C.F.: What was wrong with the old script?
G.L.: It was too predictable. I ran out of ideas but last night it hit me.
H.F.: (to Mark and Carrie) Here we go!
M.H.: Yeah, and there aren’t any seatbelts on this ride.
G.L.: OK! Ready? I’m making Leia Luke’s sister, and she ends up with Han.
C.F.: That went smoother than I expected.
M.H.: Wa-wait a second! Ain’t I the hero in this story? You know... the one that ends up with the girl?
G.L.: Yes, exactly, that’s what’s predictable about it. The public would have guessed you end up with the girl from the beginning of the movie.
C.F.: So you’re changing it. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
G.L.: So you’ve noticed.
C.F.: Tell me one thing: all those arguments between Han and Leia are because they like each other? Oh, God!
H.F.: Cheer up, sweetheart! Now you have a real man at your side.
M.H.: Wait a minute! You’re saying I’m not a real man?
H.F.: Not in this movie, kid!
M.H.: Great! There’s one hot chick in the entire galaxy and surprise... she’s your sister!




Star Wars - Expanded Universe


Luke: Son, there comes a time in every boy’s life when he has to make a decision on how he’s future’s going to look like.
Ben: Oh, that’s not a problem, dad. I already know what I’m gonna be.
Luke: Oh, so you decided to become a Jedi already.
Ben: Ahh... no, dad. I’m gonna be a pilot just like uncle Han.
Luke: A pilot?! What do you wanna be a pilot for?
Ben: I like ships...
Luke: But I thought you liked the Jedi. Having a lightsaber, mesmerizing people and stuff like that...
Ben: No, dad. I like you being a Jedi. It’s pretty cool having a Jedi Master for a father. You know: popularity... You dig?
Luke: Why would I wanna dig?
Ben: No, dad. It’s an expression like “catch my drift”.
Luke: Huh...?
Ben: Never mind. I’m gonna take my X-wing out for a spin.
Luke: Wait a second! This conversation isn’t over!
Ben walks out of the room where he’d just been talking whit his father and heads for the hall and then walks down the stairs. Luke follows him stopping at the top of the stairs.
Luke: You’d better get this pilot nonsense out of your head!
Ben sees what his father is about to do and tries to warn him, but Luke is too upset to listen.
Ben: Ahh, dad...
Luke: No, Ben! You’re becoming a Jedi Knight and that’s final. I’m putting my foot down!
And before you know it, Luke starts rolling down the stairs and stops at his son’s feet.
Ben: Wow, dad! When you put your foot down, you put your foot DOWN!

Later...
Luke comes into his apartment and Mara sees him holding his back. She’s very concerned but she’s mostly wants to know what happened...
Mara: What happened?
Luke: I had a little talk with YOUR son.
Mara: MY son? OK, what did he do this time?
Luke: He wants to become a pilot.
Mara: And what’s wrong in that?
Luke: Well, I wanted him to become a Jedi.
Mara: Oh, the father-son heritage thing again. Luke, it’s his choice. We can’t force him to do something if he doesn’t want to.
Luke: But he’s already started with that smuggler’s sarcasm.
Mara: And...?
Luke: There’s gonna be another Han Solo running around.
Mara: OK, he’s becoming a Jedi. But still... what does any of this have to do with your back?
Luke: Let’s just say I put my foot down in my decision... (Mara doesn’t get it so Luke continues) ...down the stairs.
Mara: Ouch!
Luke: I’m getting too old for this...

Later...
In another part of the Imperial Palace, more specifically in the hanger bay, Ben has a discussion of his own with...
Han: What happened to you?
Ben: Oh, it’s dad. He wants me to become a Jedi.
Han: And what’s wrong in that?
Ben: Well, I wanted to become a pilot, like you, Uncle Han.
Han: Now that’s another story. But why doesn’t he want you to be a pilot? He was a pilot at your age.
Ben: It’s not just about piloting, Uncle Han. It’s about sarcasm and piloting. I heard dad saying something about one Han Solo in the galaxy is enough.
Suddenly, a voice is heard from behind Han, as she steps out where her face can be seen...
Leia: I agree with Luke on that.
Han: And what’s wrong with more than one Han Solo in the galaxy? Leia, you’re supposed to be on my side.
For a moment, everyone is quiet. Han looks at Leia while Leia looks back at Han.
Han: Twins... they stick together like glue.
Ben: Mom kind of agrees with dad, too.
Han: Women! Can’t live with them, and unfortunately can’t live without them, either.
Ben: Hey, I happen to like girls!
Han: Yeah, now you do. Wait until you have to marry one. They’ll make your life a living hell. No offence, Leia.
Leia: Oh, c’mon, sweetheart... I’m not making your life that hard...
Han: Try miserable.
Ben: Well, you know what they say: “If you can’t beat ‘em... “
Leia: Definitely can’t beat ‘em...!
Han and Ben look at each other and finish the sentence together: “...join ‘em!”