I know this is hard to believe and it deeply saddens me, but I'm forced to show you what just showed up on the newswire.....
(AP)In news that shocked the Star Wars internet collecting world, the body of Chris Berry was found today in the Ohio countryside. Berry was well known as the owner and leader of a Star Wars collectible board known as JediDefender.com
His body was found by a passerby walking their dog. One Mr. Coleman stated that he was just out walking his dog and the dog suddenly became very excited, barking loudly. When Coleman went to look at what was causing the ruckuss, he found the body. "It was awful" said Coleman, "not only because, well, it was a dead body, but because it had all sorts of horrible burn marks and holes in the body."
Police spokespersons were unwilling to comment on the nature of the burns or holes. They would only comment on the fact that there were numerous suspects. "There's a lot of unruly behaviour in the internet community" the officer in charge said, adding "no leader of an internet site is without their fair share of enemies."
When an employee of the site was contacted for comment, one Mr. S. Pearson, he initially refused comments. But later stated that "y'know, Ohio is really nice this time of year, er, I mean I've never been outside Minnesota!"
Another staff member, a Mr. M. Colman (not related to the witness Coleman, but quite similar sounding in spite of differences in stature) was reported to be deeply saddened by the news. What baffled the interviewer was the giggling in the background.
Suspects were not specifically noted, though there is an international flavor apparently. Apparently, one of the board "members" is from Canada. No real name was obtained, but police are very interested in finding this individual. His "code name" (bunch of ******* geeks) is Koda - apparently some satanic name, relating to an evil band from the 70's that went by the name of Led Zeppelin. Though police did not reveal the information, there is speculation that satanic marking were found on the body including the word "ZOSO". As far as motive for the elusive
Koda there is the suggestion that he was waiting on some help from Berry and became impatient. Something to do with "snowtroopers" though no one knows what the hell that means to anyone in the civilized world.
Also tied into the satanic rumours were suggestions of some sort of voodoo involvement. Rumour has it that one
former board member was recently killed, but has surfaced occasionally in the form of a spectre. The
Ghost of Virex apparently had no love for Berry, as he was not allowed power at the site in question. Some speculate that the
Ghost of Virex came back to exact his due revenge.
Other rumoured suspects are as follows, all using the ridiculous
code names from Jedidefender.com:
Angry Ewok - another staff member. Apparently the name relates to his hirsuteness, when coupled with his short stature resulting in a less than pleasant demeanor (& odour) and poor taste in star wars characters.
Jokabofe (what the **** does that mean
) A disillusioned and bitter toy collector from New York and we know all New Yorkers are involved in some type of crime.
As well there are numerous suspects from Minnesota, including the aforementioned Pearson. As police spokespersons put it "you can't trust the people from Minnesota y'know." "They're just like the folks out in Montana - you can't trust 'em. Oh sure, they seem all citified and civilized but you know damn well they're drunk most of the time and packing weapons. Can hardly blame them, what with the cold weather and polar bears and **** like that."
Crime scene investigators let slip some information that the burn marks were consistent with some type of crystal light. Precisely how that could happen, they were unwilling to speculate.
Investigations continue. Berry apparently left behind few friends but plenty of family. Not all were known to him.
RIP Chris Berry.
