Author Topic: I. Ardan Torik: Indescribable Hate  (Read 2324 times)

Offline Jediknight760071

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I. Ardan Torik: Indescribable Hate
« on: May 30, 2005, 05:57 AM »





































































































































Offline CHEWIE

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Re: I. Ardan Torik: Indescribable Hate
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2005, 11:27 AM »
Nice addition to the storyline Jediknight - this was definitely entertaining to say the least!

A couple of suggestions -

1 - This was a bit hard to follow at first, the dialogue is getting better, but I think the opening shot should have shown Ardan instead of the Wookiee; at first I got confused and thought the Wookiee might be Adran.   :-[

2 - A bit more of a description instead of always dialogue might be a good thing for variety to broaden the story a bit.

3 - Be careful, if you ever show Durge in the story, he will undoubtedly need to want to kill Arden as he detests all Mandalorians.

4 - I still have no idea why Arden hates the Republic, and what sparked his decision to suddenly leave the planet?  I guess we'll find out later.

And, the good -

1 - Great having the introduction to the story - that really helps.

2 - Special effects!  Woo-hoo!  They look nice and add to the scenes a lot!

3 - Wonderful fight at the end, I love how it got close and personal in the hand-to-hand combat.

4 - I like the idea of "88" - is that gonna be his personal Battle Droid?  Kinda cool to see a regular Battle Droid as a semi-main character.

5 - Overall, my favorite chapter so far! 

 :P

Offline Darth Delicious

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Re: I. Ardan Torik: Indescribable Hate
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2005, 02:16 PM »
This was leaps and bounds ahead of your other stories as far as visual presentation goes. Nicely done. I especially like the added effects, the dead clone with the closed eyes, and the close-up hand to hand fighting. Great job.

I had some comments on the overall story, but CHEWIE seems to have nailed most of them in his critique. I agree with him about the "establishing shot," this should have been Ardan, not the Wook. Also, we need some narration in addition to the dialogue. Also, you may be limited with the space you're working in, but this planet needs at least one sweeping shot to give it some scale...without it, everything feels cramped. Also, the dialogue could use a little polish...I just don't see the Clones yelling "Great-Look out, he's got a gun!" They come off a little more like Mall Security guards than battle-hardened soldiers of the Republic.

All in all, though, I'm looking forward to future installments, and finding out what Ardan's motivation is...

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Offline Dimetrodon

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Re: I. Ardan Torik: Indescribable Hate
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2005, 03:16 PM »
description is all  that could make this better. I really enjoyed this.
I think my favorite part was whent he cloen told his followers to shoot through if need be. I think it gave the cloens a bit more character. I thought the connection of Ardan to training clones was interesting also.

Can't wait to see more.

Offline Jediknight760071

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Re: I. Ardan Torik: Indescribable Hate
« Reply #4 on: May 30, 2005, 07:48 PM »
Well thank you guys...all the comments are appreciated.

I'm trying to work on the dialogue. I've started to put more time and thought into it, not just making it up as I go along. I've also considered building some larger sets. I don't have much room in my house, but with summer coming, I'll hopefully have a job and a little extra money to buy materials and use the space I've got effectively.

I apologize for the different sizes between each picture. That's something I really didn't think about until a few weeks ago, but the pictures I'm using are fairly old already, and I don't take pictures with that in mind. Hopefully by the next few photonovels, I'll have a standard photo size. I also apologize for the first shot. I suppose that I knew who Ardan Torik was, so I assumed you'd catch on fairly wuickly, but it didn't turn out to go so smoothly, as I had though it would.

I realize the need for narration in this next series. I was thinking that I'd still do the scriptish style (Ardan:, Dooku:, 88:, etc.) but this time I would put quotes around vocals, and no quotes would symbolize thoughts. Italics would be narration to a future event, like the scene of 88 and Ardan sneaking into the Refueling station. White letters at the top would be used for scene changes, and other narration would be in the shot if needed (ex. The explosion in the crowd).

88 being Ardan's personal Battle Droid was an idea that always appealed to me. I had always gotten the impression that the Trade Federation bought Battle Droids from another corporation and had used them in mass amounts for their own purposes, but could a battle droid be reprogrammed for personal use? We'll see. I'm hoping that the relationship between Ardan and 88 will be more personal than commander to unit, but a gradual transition from "Yes sir" to "Yea", not just a flick of the switch. I want the battle droid to be more like a protocol droid, at least personality wise.

I've got a lot more to say, but I lost m train of thought, so I guess I'll continue later.

Thanks again guys. :)

Offline Diddly

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Re: I. Ardan Torik: Indescribable Hate
« Reply #5 on: May 30, 2005, 07:53 PM »
WOW, I loved it. This was much better than your other stories, IMO. CHEWIE pretty much got all of the negatives, as said already. But I loved Ardan kicking ass with that staff. Pure awesomeness!

BTW, I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who tore the arm cord of my VOTC Boba. ;)

Offline Angry Ewok

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Re: I. Ardan Torik: Indescribable Hate
« Reply #6 on: May 30, 2005, 10:03 PM »
Nice work, the combat was pretty impressive, specially the staff fighting... The dialogue is kinda rough, but this is Star Wars - it's what the franchise is known for, so it didn't bother me much.

Just know I waited for 20+ minutes to load this Photonovel... and I feel it was worth it...
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Offline ThePerennial

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Re: I. Ardan Torik: Indescribable Hate
« Reply #7 on: May 30, 2005, 10:31 PM »
 First off, I love that this story is about a separatist commander (or former separatist commander as the case may be). We haven't seen a story in the eyes of one so far. Second off, I have a soft spot for mandalorians and Ardan is awesome. May I ask something: I may start a photonovel about the mandalorian resurrection during the clone wars when I get enough customs and Ardan's paint scheme seems awesome. Can he make a cameo in my photonovel/can I make a custom of ardan?


 I love how this story opens and I love how you presented ardan as a mandalorian. Cold, Calculating, intent on exacting vengeance. None of that honour-bound tripe that most people like to se mandalorians as. This one is more ritty and I like that.

Offline Jediknight760071

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Re: I. Ardan Torik: Indescribable Hate
« Reply #8 on: May 30, 2005, 11:06 PM »
You can make whatever customs you want to make...it won't bother me in the least. It would be absurd if it did.

Ardan is going to undergo an Armor change very soon, too.

P.S. Sorry AE, I realize the photonovel was a bit long (67 photos) but I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Offline Ryan

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Re: I. Ardan Torik: Indescribable Hate
« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2005, 04:17 AM »
After reading through twice I think I'm ready to comment on this. First things first, I really liked it overall, there are some gream shots in there and I too love the Ardan paint job. The story is solid and I liked the intro. Nice work with the Special effects as well, they really lend to the story telling. Like most of the others I agree with CHEWIE's suggestions and I have a few questions:

First: At the end of the last series, you show shots of the ROTS, duels. Were those supposed to be foreshadowing? Or I guess what I really mean to ask is when is this taking place during the Clone Wars?

Second: If the Republic lost Ezatam to the Seperatists then why is there still a Republic Senator on the planet? I could see it if he was captured or something, but that didn't seem like it was the case. It almost seemed like it was still in Republic control.

I too love the idea of 88 and the way you plan on developing him sounds great. I think it'd be cool that as he evolves as a character his look evolves with him. Wheter the modifications were done by him or by Ardan it'd be cool to see him move away from rank and file BDs in his look too. Keep it up, I look forward to installment 2!  :)
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Offline crazy about Clones

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Re: I. Ardan Torik: Indescribable Hate
« Reply #10 on: June 8, 2005, 12:24 PM »
Man I loved this one! Chewie nailed all the rough spots but overall, Great Story!  Ardan reminds me of the Mandalorian Ghez Hokan from the book Star Wars Republic Commando: Hard Contact.  I suggest if you havent already read it that you do because its a good read and you can see some of the Republic's Military tactics and acronyms used by the Republic's Forces.  Great Job on your Photonovel! Can't wait for the next one. ;D 8)
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Offline ThePerennial

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Re: I. Ardan Torik: Indescribable Hate
« Reply #11 on: June 8, 2005, 09:01 PM »
Ghez Hokan was an awesome character. Just awesome.

Offline Jediknight760071

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Re: I. Ardan Torik: Indescribable Hate
« Reply #12 on: June 9, 2005, 01:36 AM »
Well thanks guys. :)

Quote
First: At the end of the last series, you show shots of the ROTS, duels. Were those supposed to be foreshadowing? Or I guess what I really mean to ask is when is this taking place during the Clone Wars?
That was just a flash forward technique. It was just my way of ending the photonovel by fast forwarding the memories to ROTS, so yes..I guess forshadowing would be an accurate description of those 3 shots. Indescribable Hate begins 5-6 months before the first Battle of Coruscant though.

Quote
Second: If the Republic lost Ezatam to the Seperatists then why is there still a Republic Senator on the planet? I could see it if he was captured or something, but that didn't seem like it was the case. It almost seemed like it was still in Republic control.

Well, like in any occupied country there are political/military stragglers, for lack of a better word. He just happenned to be on the planet when it was occupied by the Separatists and I didn't think it unreasonable for him to have stayed. Planets can be large, and in the shot, you'll notice zero droids or Geonosians. I hope that answers you're question sufficiently.

Quote
I suggest if you havent already read it that you do because its a good read and you can see some of the Republic's Military tactics and acronyms used by the Republic's Forces. 

Yes..I have read that book. I loved it also. It was a completely new outlook on the Prequels.

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Ghez Hokan was an awesome character. Just awesome.

That he was, but we never got to know what his armor looked like.  :-\

Quote
Great Job on your Photonovel! Can't wait for the next one.   

Well thank you! :) :D

Offline ThePerennial

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Re: I. Ardan Torik: Indescribable Hate
« Reply #13 on: June 9, 2005, 09:32 PM »
Well thanks guys. :)

That he was, but we never got to know what his armor looked like.  :-\


 The author wrote something on him having a tan-coloured colour scheme to his mandalorian armour. I'm not at all sure whether or not it's his armour plating or his jumpsuit; I'll check up on that.

Offline Jediknight760071

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Re: I. Ardan Torik: Indescribable Hate
« Reply #14 on: June 10, 2005, 12:39 AM »
Thanks! :D