Sorry but I have to make a sociopathic rant. I hate ****** restaurant table service, and it happened again today. If I sit alone, or with another buddy, it is nearly set in stone I will get a guy waiter, who plainly sucks ass. I call it getting “duded”. Here’s a typical bad food experience:
Wait 5 minutes. The good waiter/waitress will come and ask if I’ve been helped. The r-tard that is my waiter will be informed. To his disinterest.
Give it another minute for him to get distracted by something bright and shiny before meandering over.
Thanks for showing up, pal. Yeah, buddy, it’s just me here. And I’m not a chick to talk to. Get over it and do your job, and for the record, I know you took this ****** job here just to hit on the chicks working here.
Skip the “today’s special” line, too, please. I’d be fooled if you didn’t take 15 minutes getting over here, and I’ve heard the good service already say the special was something else, so you are clearly lying in some vast lunch special conspiracy, devised by idiot monkeys. Give me (what I want).
Where the **** is my Diet Coke?
Oh, there. It has a lemon in it. I’ll try not to suck up the seeds floating at the bottom now. Who likes a lemon wedge in their drink? Do I look like a pink haired snow bird?
The loud annoying people that came in after me ordered an assload of food, and they’re already eating. Where is my minestrone soup? And I need a refill.
Ah, soup. Hell yes, I want grated parmesan on top. And a refill – oh, you’re walking away. Ok, getting cheese, right? Oh, no. No short term memory. You’re going to another table. I hate you.
A baby cries. Apparently this is some funny **** to other people. Maybe I’ll start screaming at the top of my lungs, too. Why not? It’ll be really cute. ********.
Holy jumping ****, the waiter came back! Without the cheese. He’s come back to grab my glass for a refill.
And just as fast, he’s already back. Is there someone watching you? Why the sudden urgency? Diet Coke for me. I’m never getting my cheese, so I’m eating my soup. Thankfully, he’s brought and placed a second straw on the table, just in case I didn’t like the one I was using already in the glass. Great.
Then there’s about 20 minutes of abandonment while my finished soup bowl sits in front of me. My glass empty again. The table across from me is finished eating and walking out. I’m pissed, and this guy sucks. Duded again.
Food finally arrives. Only it’s barely warm. It’s been sitting for at least five minutes. Having a wank in the toilet, buddy? Oh yeah, just put the check down now. You’ve dicked around for the last 45 minutes, and that means I’m probably going to inhale this and be on my way.
It’s now been 2 minutes since he finally brought my food and now he suddenly cares about what I’m eating. Is it good? I have a fork in my mouth. Just take the check.
Oh, and a sidenote -- because you’ve left the check on the table doesn’t mean I’m done drinking Cokes. I want another refill, assface.
Yes, I need some change back from that twenty. You don’t get an eight dollar tip, you damn out of work actor.
Yes, have a nice day.
Another fine dining experience in the life of Jared.
