Joke Thread

[jokabofe]

q: what's black and blue and smokes in the corner?
a: a baby chewing on an extention cord.

[Angry Ewok]

Joke

[DSJ™]

Joke

 Dale spews out beer through is nose!  

[Snively Bandar]

Hercules, Snow White and Quasi Moto were all having lunch together.

Hercules said, "I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?"

Snow White agreed.  "I'm told I'm the fairest of them all, but sometimes I wonder."

Quasi Moto said, "I'm pretty sure I'm the ugliest human alive but I've never had it confirmed."

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to pray about it that night and ask God to confirm for them whether Hercules was the strongest, Snow White was the fairest and Quasi Moto was the ugliest.  They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
 
The next day Hercules walked up with a smile.  "Well, it's true. God told me that I am the strongest man in the world."
 
Snow White perked up and said, "And I now know for sure that I'm the fairest for God confirmed it."

But Quasi Moto lifted his sad face and said, "Who is Linda Tripp?"

[Scott]

Don't know if I've ever told you of me and my brother's penchant of mocking dead celebrities and sports stars for some strange reason...anyway one of my all time favorites he told me was...

"John Denver...great singer, not so great pilot"

Also, last weekend he asked me I wanted to see his Johnny Cash impersonation...

He laid on his back, crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes...then asked if I wanted to see his John Ritter

Morbid, but I thought it was funny.

Worst joke I've ever heard was a few weeks ago at a rather warm party where a guy shouted out

"It's hotter than a Great White concert in here"  Boooooooo

[BobaShek]

Okay, I just read this one today in another forum and it cracked me up:


Q: How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


A: You don't know, man! You weren't there!

[P'dubs]

A bit of Math humor for the true nerd.


At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a
public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a
calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being
charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said.  "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value.  They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and
refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every
triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted
us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more
fingers and toes.

I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent of
protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with
calculus disregard.  Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every
sphere of influence, the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences,
we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential
to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we
become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of
vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, 'Read my
ellipse. Here is one principle I am uncertainty of: though they continue to
multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their
necks."

[jokabofe]

that's pretty funny actually... guess i'm one of those math nerds  

[P'dubs]

I thought it was quite clever.

[paploo]

 the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences...

All joking aside I can see the president mixing up circumference with circumstance

[P'dubs]

 the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences...

All joking aside I can see the president mixing up circumference with circumstance

Sadly enough I too can see him doing it.

[Ben]

Brilliant joke, Clone Sargent.

I'm not that great at algebra, but I still got it.

[JediMAC]

Couple more...  Forgive me if they're lame.  Just stuff that comes across my office e-mail...  


A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the
herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole
group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know,
kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine.

And that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.


-------------------------------


A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,   gives
the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks
away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her
husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more
shopping trips to Paris, no wintering   in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the
garage, and no more
country club. But the decision is yours."  

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a
gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.  

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

[hansolo_506]

This guy is driving down a country road.  He sees a small dust cloud in his rear view mirror.  After a very short time, the dust cloud overtakes him.  He looks down out his drivers side door and see's this chicken with four legs.  He looks at the speedometer and sees that he is doing about 45 mph.  The chicken speeds up more and leaves the guy in his dust.

His curiousity getting the best of him, he follows the dust cloud and comes across a farm.  There is a farmer leaning up against the fence.  The guy calls out "Hey, mister..you see a four legged chicken running past here?"

The farmer says "Yep... we breed 'em here.. about four years back the folks at KFC asked a bunch of us farmers to breed four legged chickens 'cause more people were wanting dark meat."

"Wow", says the guy, "that's fantastic.  How do they taste?"  "Don't know..we've never caught one!"

[Chris]

Meh.

Here is one for you, I found it to be mildly humorous:

Child says to mother, "Mommy, is god a boy or a girl?"

Mother says "Both"

Child then asks "Mommy, is god black or white?"

Mother says once again, "Both"



Child then says "Is Michael Jackson god?"