JediDefender.com Forums
Community => Watto's Junk Yard => Topic started by: Force Guy on April 23, 2006, 09:49 PM
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I know I haven't been an active member of this community for quite some time, but I thought I'd get your take on this controversial subject. Infidelity. What say you? Forgive & forget? Have any of you ever been in a long-term relationship where you were betrayed? Could/can you forgive a cheater? Your input would be greatly appreciated.
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It's the worst feeling in the world, knowing someone you trusted that much went and got railed by some other guy, and enjoyed it.
It's a thought you can't get out of your head. You can just be sitting there, watching TV, and the image of her getting filled out like an application won't leave your head.
It's the ultimate betrayal of trust, one in which I never trust the person ever again and break up with them. I haven't spoken to either whore girl who's done this to me since, and it suits me just fine.
I've flirted with other girls while in a relationship, but I never went all the way with them. I hated the thought of infidelity so much, I didn't want to cause anyone else that grief.
Mind you, I've never been close to being married, so I'm sure the married folks will offer something different.
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It hasn't happened to me, but someone I know's parents went through it - and came out stronger on the other end. I know it was a lot of work for them to move on, and maybe that doesn't work for everyone, but it seems like in their case it was worth it.
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I remember when it happened to me, and ever since then, I've had a hard time even thinking about being in a serious relationship. People talk about forgive and forget... but to this very day, I could describe that moment in time, even though it's been many years and many tokes later, in infinite detail. Everything about it.
How could anyone forget? I'm a visual thinker, so I don't just THINK about her ******* some dude who lived down the hall... With as much detail as I can remember the moment I got that phone call, when she told me she ****** Brian, I too can visualize her in the act of doing it. She had the time to get ass naked and put his condom on, my art, my pictures - all of this **** that belonged to ME was plastered around the same bed that she ****** HIM in. How can I forgive that?
My situation was even worse, as she lied to me, claiming to have been raped. That she screamed for help and nobody was around to hear it... She claimed to have gone to the Doc and get tested and all of that ****. It was all a lie. But you know, even though I didn't buy it, I stood by like a good guy... I betrayed my own gut instinct.
As weak as it may sound to those who don't know what it's like, I couldn't even watch movies involving affairs or sex scenes for a very, very long time. I had just bought Jackie Brown, but couldn't watch it. I ended up getting ****** up and watching The Wall - which, especially at the time, I connected with.
Anyway, I refused to see her, I wouldn't speak to her, I refused to answer her calls, or read her mail. She went as far as to try and get through to me through my grandparents. I didn't give her anything. From that point forward, she was dead to me.
It doesn't matter how many times she says sorry, that she didn't love him, or was drunk, or didn't enjoy it, or any of that ******* bull****. It doesn't matter, man. You deserve to be with someone who will honor you, not disgrace you by ******* someone else.
No second chances with my heart.
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No second chances with my heart.
Finely put. Do it once and pack your bags, there is absolutely no excuse for it. It's a complete breach of trust that you can never, ever get back. Everyone's tempted, there's no reasonable reason to give in to that temptation unless you want to prove yourself untrustworthy and weak.
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It's never happened to me, but I agree with what Brad said. They say "once a cheater, always a cheater" for a reason.
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Glad to see you back, controversial subject and all.
Everyone is different. Relationships are individual, unique and often changing. So, I think a lot depends on the people involved and where they are in their relationship, as well as other circumstances.
For me, based on where I am in my life and my marriage, I would want to work it out. I imagine I would be confused, sad and angry. I love and value my wife and the life we've built. People make mistakes, and I belive in forgiveness. I'd work on forgiveness whether it was infidelity, addiction or other indiscretion – and I'd hope for the same from her if I were ever to fall.
That said, if it were to happen a second time the answer may be different.
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I'd also like to welcome you back, FG... We really missed you, man.
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I also a, very glad to see you back FG
I dated someone from early on in my Freshman year to very late in my Senior year of college. We were starting to plan our wedding and where we were going to live when she finished up her doctorate. During one week of March of that year, I got a job offer to work in Rochester, NY at Kodak, we had our Senior project due and I found out that she was sleeping with my former room mate. Good times...so I went gaa gaa for a while. He was the run of the mill frat boy alcoholic who had been physcially abusive to his last girlfriend and there was me the aspiring engineering geek.
She and I had this huge drawn out talk and she wound up dumping me for him. I look back on that week and wonder why in the hell I didn't take that job the very next day and move half way across the country. The whole rest of my college career was a drunked mess. I literally was vomiting blood at one point from drinking too much. I just could not rationalize being dumped like that, after so much time and love and everything. The biggest deal was that it was absolutely humiliating to be cheated on and dumped for this other guy...
And so the story goes that about 4 months after I was at the lowest point in my life, I met my wife. Everything I thought I had lost was there plus 10,000,000 different and better things. We got married 2 years after the fact and the rest is history...
But...its still hard to completely trust my wife because of what happened to me almost 10 years ago now. That to me is the ****** up thing of it all. I've gotten better as the years go by...mainly because my wife has done absolutely nothing to betray that trust. And maybe that's why I'm so gaa gaa over her. That said, if she did ever cheat on me, I'd have a really tough time trying to work it out. Mainly because I've already had it happen once in my life...I guess it depends on how old the kids are and where we're at and everything.
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Thankfully I've never been cheated on (nor done any cheating). Early in my relationship with my wife, I told her that was the one thing for which I could never forgive her. She understood, and it's never been an issue. We've had our share of bumps in the road over the past 12+ years (married for almost 9), but never anything approaching that sort of betrayal.
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I guess it depends on how old the kids are
I hear that a lot from parents, and I don't understand how that factors in at all. Please explain, Scott.
Kevin
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I think if the kids are older in their lives and the spouse is cheating, it would be easier to dump said bimbo. Mainly because your only job when being married w/ younger children is to keep both of them going as strongly as possible in order to raise wonderful adults.
I know a guy whose parents got divorced when he was 17, sure it messed with him, but he was practically already an adult and was able to deal with it a little bit better than a 4 year old who may end up with a new dad right after old dad boots cheater out of ye olde house
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I've thankfully not had it happen to me (that I'm aware), and wouldn't wish it on my enemies even... It's just one of those things I think is a deal breaker. I've got a jealous streak, I tend to keep an eye on who I date... They also know it is a deal breaker for me, and I don't accept cheating. I also like it to be known that I can be hurtful when I am tread upon, and only ask that who I date respects me enough to leave me if they really aren't happy with me, and let it be done and over with.
It's one of the worst things you can do to someone else I think... Not to mention the dangers involved in this day and age... I put a lot of effort into relationships, so I really do expect to be respected in them... I've been with the girls who don't, and they're quite easy to walk away from no matter what qualities I saw in them to be attracted to them in the first place.
And also...
WTF Force Guy, where've you been? Welcome back.
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My parents always had a horrible marriage (rumored infidelity, amongst many other, far worse things), but they stayed together because my mom thought it would be better for my sister and me as we were growing up.
But things got to be so bad as we got into our late teens, that Mom finally decided to get a divorce, because we were both old enough to deal with it at that point, and (oh yeah) there's the whole thing that he probably would have killed her since we weren't around as much.
But the hindsight now is that they should have divorced much, much earlier--nuclear family be damned (well, actually, they never should have gotten married in the first place, but that's neither here or there). It would have been better for everybody.
Many more factors were involved than just simple infidelity--simple infidelity would have been a walk in the park, given everything else--but it's the same idea: Staying together for the sake of the kids can sometimes be much, much worse than getting divorced.
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Agreed, if me or my wife went completely psycho on each other, I'd be more inclined to get the divorce. I was talking in terms of the only infraction being infidelity
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I've grown up in a semi-similar situation MWB, with parents who didn't get along...
Mine didn't cheat, but they stayed together for my brother's and I... It was really ultimately the wrong thing. My parents are sort of the old-school mentality though where the wife stays with the husband... He worked, my mother didn't have the career and independance she could (should) have... No infidelity or physical abuse or anything, but I can attest that mental abuse is just as bad if not worse.
Not the best situation for children or my mother... Funny how you look at, say grandparents then, and see the traits that make your parents who they are, and act the ways they do... What's scary is finding some of the same traits in yourself though. I catch myself sometimes, and try to supress it. I don't like it.
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I had it done to me when I had been in a relationship for about 2 1/2 years. I started getting suspicious of some things that I'll not get into here. PM me if you want Force Guy. I dropped the hammer and it was probably 2 years before I was seriously dating again. Luckily for me, the next one I dated I ended up marrying and have no worries at all. If I had any doubts, I would have never made that step.
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What's scary is finding some of the same traits in yourself though. I catch myself sometimes, and try to supress it. I don't like it.
O mama mia... Anyone who knows me, knows that I prefer to slit my wrists than go down the path my father took. But I still catch myself talking like him, sometimes - ****, I catch myself balling fists like he does. I've got that short fused temper and when it slips, I feel god awful... I wasn't raised thinking hitting was bad, and I wasn't raised knowing what my dad is like when he's sober. It took me a long time to realize his weirdness is when he's sober, and he's only normal when he's pissy and intoxicated.
Kinda running off course, here, sorry.
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I've thankfully not had it happen to me (that I'm aware)
Mmm. Yeah I'd imagine most aren't aware. It's usually done covertly.
That's not to say that it has happened to you. I just think usually the perp doesn't get caught.
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I've thankfully not had it happen to me (that I'm aware)
Mmm. Yeah I'd imagine most aren't aware. It's usually done covertly.
That's not to say that it has happened to you. I just think usually the perp doesn't get caught.
Oh yeah. I totally banged his girl.
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That will be fine.
I just had to make the point that unless you catch someone in the act, or they confess, it's hard to prove. Especially if it's a short fling.
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Seeing alot of the same viewpoint here and as usual I typically offer an opposite view.I can't help being controversial like that it just happens. Anyway I won't add my comments/experiences here to prevent yet another 20:1 argument as usual ::).
I will say that it makes for more boring discussion when so many folks say " it happened to me" or "yeah I totally am against it". Same read all around...but heh, I had to read all the way through to see if there was anything different in here-not surprised when I didn't. Well..okay other than one post attempting to be funny/sarcastic.
A gloom and doom discussion-- Any guilty parties want to share their viewpoints? Or folks for infidelity want to share?
If not let's go back to the one side again ::).
The DS
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Being "for" infidelity is going to be along the same lines (morally) with most people as those who condone theft... You'd basically be **** upon by most, and really can anyone blame the masses for it?
You're right DR that it's tough to know, though I've found most people (when they are liars) give it away... I'd imagine infidelity would be even easier to spot. Hopefully everyone has trusting, caring, honest relationships though that it doesn't register as a problem for them... I truly hope that for everyone here, of course.
My girl's a good one now, despite Name's claims... He's just jealous that all he has are his inflatable dolls. I've banged them, he doesn't even know, and I didn't even wipe up when I was done, so hah! She was good too, but kept deflating...
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I would also like to welcome Force Guy back, and since I've always loved him, I figure this is the best place for me to offer to commit adultery onmy wife with him.
Whaddaya think, stud?
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And with that, it appears as if this thread is past the point of no return.
But, in what may be a futile attempt to get it back on track, I offer this:
If any of you think that you may be being cheated on, but aren't quite sure how to go about proving it, there's always one man to whom you can turn:
(http://www.hollywoodiscalling.com/celebrity_photos/thabeeb.jpg)
"She gave you her heart, and this is how you repay her? You should be ashamed of yourself."
(Nice to have you back, Phil.)
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Being "for" infidelity is going to be along the same lines (morally) with most people as those who condone theft... You'd basically be **** upon by most, and really can anyone blame the masses for it?
Interesting response Jesse.
What Say you to agreed couples involved in orgies, sex parties trading partners ect? At least they agree.
If I could cheat and at least tell about it and not lie ..Am I different just because I told the truth?=no, I'm colored the same.
Are we all to say we're better than the rest just because we don't cheat? So, if we hate sex colonists because of their infidelity(and it's their choice) can we really **** on them? To me it's like saying we should eliminate all those in the world who believe in a particular religion. Can we really judge them and do this?
I don't believe in 'once a cheater always a cheater'..Dog, ect.
As human beings we learn from our mistakes..but, if we don't commit the mistake, how can we learn from it? Without actually experiencing it (from either side) of infidelity.. one cannot know how it feels inside them..ESPECIALLY if they saw it happen to a friend or it was their parents. You can only experience it to know how it feels in you. There actually is alot of stronger families out there that learned to forgive a once committed mistake that end up lasting 40-50 years of marriage you know.
After all we are people.
--The DS
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You can only experience it to know how it feels in you.
:o
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And with that, it appears as if this thread is past the point of no return.
But, in what may be a futile attempt to get it back on track, I offer this:
If any of you think that you may be being cheated on, but aren't quite sure how to go about proving it, there's always one man to whom you can turn:
(http://www.hollywoodiscalling.com/celebrity_photos/thabeeb.jpg)
"She gave you her heart, and this is how you repay her? You should be ashamed of yourself."
(Nice to have you back, Phil.)
You know, I was going to do it in my first post in this thread - but it was too soon. And now that the time is right, you beat me to it.
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I've been cheated on by girls I've dated in the past, ans as soon as I found out about such infidelities, I ended it with them, no second chances given. To me it's violating a sacred trust and once someone has proven themselves untrustworthy, it's almost impossible to trust them again, especially with something like your heart.
That being said, I generally trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them. So when it came to dating other women, I did not judge them by past relationships.
I'm extremely lucky to have my fiancee in my life. She too has been cheated on in the past and we have had long talks about how much a violation in trust it would be and how hurtful it is. I have no doubts whatsoever that she would never cheat on me.
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In high school, I scammed with my best friend's girl. That sucked. Well, I mean, my best friend's girlfriend was totally hot, and it was nice while it was going on, but the repurcussions totally sucked..
In addition to coming out as a high school accessory to cheating and fagging it up with Force Guy, I may as well travel to the very end of the limb and say that I think that the taboo of infidelity makes it interesting, if not intoxicating. The allure of the forbidden has to be what draws so many people into the snare.
Don't get me wrong; it's clearly a rotten, rotten thing. Probably the most rotten thing imaginable. That's what makes it so interesting.
Thinking of it in terms of sheer intensity and passion, I guess I am somewhat infatuated with the dynamics of infidelity and it triggering the "ground zero" of human emotion. Everthing from the cuckolds that sign up for those wife-swapping videos to the bitterness of betrayal and the suicidal tendencies of those wounded by the act....
I am interested in how one kind of action can produce such a range of emotional responses, and the ways those responses transform interpersonal relationships.
It's powerful stuff, to be sure.
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What Say you to agreed couples involved in orgies, sex parties trading partners ect? At least they agree.
There's a big difference between infidelity and something to which both partners agree. While the latter is outside the norm for most relationships, it doesn't involve a betrayal. So if that's what a couple wants to do, I think that's their decision to make.
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There's a big difference between infidelity and something to which both partners agree.
Namely, it's not infidelity.
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Very, Very good post Spry. I finally see another post of a different color in here. You're right, of course in saying it's not right at all and that the repercussions ARE severe. It took alot to admit your actions ..I commend you. Please don't all hate him in here because he told the truth.
Like I said before it's a painful learning experience.
Yes, Powerful stuff, good post again.
The DS.
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There's a big difference between infidelity and something to which both partners agree. While the latter is outside the norm for most relationships, it doesn't involve a betrayal. So if that's what a couple wants to do, I think that's their decision to make.
For reference I looked it up ..
It states being sexually unfaithful to a partner or spouse
Which led me to unfaithful which states
1.Not true or constant to one's sexual partner.
2.Not true to one's spouse; guilty of adultery.
We all know what adultery is and we also know when they say constant what they mean.
Nothing said about agreeance or not..
-note the definitions on both terms are centered around sex and not ideology.
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You looked up the word 'unfaithful' the word we're looking for here is infidelity:
in·fi·del·i·ty ( P ) Pronunciation Key (nf-dl-t)
n. pl. in·fi·del·i·ties
Unfaithfulness to a sexual partner, especially a spouse.
An act of sexual unfaithfulness.
Lack of fidelity or loyalty.
Lack of religious belief.
You're really reaching here. You're misappropriating the definition of 'constant' - constant could mean doing the same thing every day, or constant could mean doing what you both want to every day (among other things).
If my girlfriend and I mutually decide to bring another woman or ( :-X ) man into our bedroom, we're not engaging in any infidelity, not even close.
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Huge difference between mutually-consented-to swinging, and getting some on the side, without the other one knowing.
Not even close.
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I finally see another post of a different color in here.
Slothus, it's against my better judgment to say this, but get off you high horse of 20:1 statistics and reread page one. Namely, my reply there.
What makes Ryan's post really interesting is the fact that he once practiced divorce law and heard more cases with intimate details than most of us could imagine.
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If my girlfriend and I mutually decide to bring another woman or ( :-X ) man into our bedroom...
That smiley made me laugh out loud. ;D
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I now think Sprry75 is a certified, grade A, scumbag.
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I didn't hate Spry45 before, but I sure do now.
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Welcome to the official "I hate Sprry75" fan club, guys.
I've been a member for years. >:(
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"I'm not only the I Hate Sprry75 Club president, I'm also a client"
(http://www.pagelinx.com/hcm/sypic.jpg)
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I hate him... Bastard.
The focus on the word "constant" I do think is a stretch and I agree with Rob that it means any number of things... So to that extent, I think mutually agreed-to swinging is what it is, and not (to me) morally or ethically wrong...
That's what it boils down to really though. Infidelity is a question of ethics and morals. Do you feel it's wrong to do this, and if so it's wrong if you do this... Nothing more, nothing less. If you feel it's your right to "cheat", it simply isn't within your moral/ethical code then... What the topic is about though is infidelity which I tend to assume means that the people discussing it agree it's "wrong" so that to do that act is to basically be immoral to their own beliefs. Others may disagree... I was just working under the assumption for (at least) the majority.
I don't look at swinging as immoral, someone may, but it's not my business... And if everyone in it is in agreeance and everything's on the up-and-up (my turn for a :-X I guess) then hey, whatever... I definitely don't view cheating/infidelity and "swinging" as being the same though. Again though, that's really a moral decision despite the definitions even. Some moral codes are going to label "swinging" as infidelity despite the definition I'd think.
I don't know... Anyway to me it's not cheating but I don't think you're doing yourself any favors if you actually care about who you're with, but what do I know...
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I knew it...a 20:1 trap thread ::)
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Who will weep for the polygamists?
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I will not...In their case..they're happy, so I'm happy for them. ;)
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I knew it...a 20:1 trap thread ::)
You sure called it... ::)
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I was never cheated on as far as I know, but my wife was cheated on. One guy she dated for several years was seeing three women at once and he had them unaware of the others. He was one smooth bastard. Eventually my wife found out about the other women, but didn't confront the jerk right away. She went to the other women and told them what had been going on. One of the others joined with her and they confronted him and dumped him on the spot. The other woman ended up marrying him.
This was about ten years ago. My wife still has some trust issues even though I am nothing like her ex. I would never do anything to hurt her and I tell her constantly. She is the only woman for me and I tell her that, too. She is relaxing more as time goes by, but I always let her know my location when we are apart so she doesn't get nervous. I have to, or she thinks I might be out nailing hoochies because of what that POS did to her.
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Many cheaters cheat because of insecurity and self-esteem issues. Their own lack of confidence leads them into the "arms" of others just for affirmation that anyone would want them. However, interestingly but disturbingly, the innocent partners that were betrayed now must deal with their own insecurity and self-esteem issues because of the infidelities.
I had a very long-term relationship that ended when the woman betrayed my trust with a fleeting affair. Regardless of her reasons (which will never be cause enough), I must now deal with trust, self-esteem and insecurity issues for the rest of my life. No matter how hard I try, I know I will never trust anyone as much again. I know I am not as close to my wife as I was with this other woman, and I know that I now am more apt to find myself in situations that could lead to infidelity, just because my own trust was once broken. I will always seek reaffirmation, but always doubt it. It's ****** and the shrink bills get expensive.
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I finally see another post of a different color in here.
Slothus, it's against my better judgment to say this, but get off you high horse of 20:1 statistics and reread page one. Namely, my reply there.
What makes Ryan's post really interesting is the fact that he once practiced divorce law and heard more cases with intimate details than most of us could imagine.
"I'm not only the I Hate Sprry75 Club president, I'm also a client"
(http://www.pagelinx.com/hcm/sypic.jpg)
Welcome to the official "I hate Sprry75" fan club, guys.
I've been a member for years. >:(
I hate Sprry75, too.
Boy, it feels good to finally get that off my chest.
I can say that of the hundreds of divorce cases I worked on, easily more than 50% of them involved pornography, which was then a gateway to infidelity.
There were a couple of cases where marriages broke up because of infidelities where husbands started banging their secretaries or old high school sweethearts or whatever, but the vast majority were dudes who were looking at internet porn and then got into random sex swinging type sites.
Crazy. Man, I had this one client...whoa. If it weren't for the attorney client privilege, and the fact that I finally gave him his hard-drive back when the case ended, I'd tell you all a story. The dude, we'll call him "ScottMattyRob," was into the freakiest **** I have ever seen. Whoa.
Come to think of it, a big part of the reason I hate Sprry75 so bad is because he chose a profession where I would be exposed to pictures of flabby, pasty dudes dressed up in sundresses sticking their fingers...well, nevermind.
Suffice to say, there's a lot to hate. A lot.
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I can say that of the hundreds of divorce cases I worked on, easily more than 50% of them involved pornography, which was then a gateway to infidelity.
Odd. I've always thought that pornography would be a great release valve to curb urges of infidelity. These must be the same people who play violent video games and then go on shooting sprees.
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Huge difference between mutually-consented-to swinging, and getting some on the side, without the other one knowing.
Not even close.
Roger that. A mutual understanding is one thing. Deception is another.
I'm glad that so many of you provided your input. It's greatly appreciated. It's also good to "see" some old faces and to be welcomed back (MWB, Sprry75, Deanpaul, Angry Ewok, Jesse James, Scott, etc.). And yes, Sprry75, I'm down for your proposition, provided your wife isn't violent.
Back to the topic at hand, as you can guess, I was the unfortunate victim of infidelity, which is the major reason why my nearly 10-year marriage failed & I ended up divorced. I am now another statistic. Not to put my personal life out there, but I thought you guys should know since I've been gone for a such a long time & that's the main reason why. It's been horrible, especially since we have a 6-yr. old daughter together (which really complicates things). Our divorce was finalized in Feb '05, and to this day, I've had a hard time adjusting. It sucks.
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Buddy, that sucks. I'd like to say it will take time, but my guess is you'll never really get over it. Just cherish your daughter, and then get your hot ass to Utah for some Sprry75 lovin'.
Mrs. Sprry75 isn't violent; in fact, she'll probably be running the camera.
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Back to the topic at hand, as you can guess, I was the unfortunate victim of infidelity, which is the major reason why my nearly 10-year marriage failed & I ended up divorced.
Man, that's a real bummer. After 10 years, I imagine you figure you have it made. I've become much less cynical about marriage since I agreed to partake in it myself, but stories like this always make me worry a little.
The thing that keeps ringing through my head as I read all these posts is that a good portion of the folks in this thread may have been cheated on more than they know. It's not a hard thing to get away with and most of the time you only find out about it because the other person decides to tell you out of guilt.
It's happened to me before a couple of times (that I know of) back in my younger days and I have been the guilty party (or helped someone else cheat) before too.
The only thing I've learned from cheating, hooking up with someone who's in a relationship, or being cheated on is that nothing is forever and words are only words, no matter what people think.
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This has been a very interesting read. My ex ****** around on me and I'd probably cut out her eyes if I saw her again, but I'm over it. :P
Seriously though, we hadn't been dating long, so I didn't really have much emotionally invested. It didn't hurt me as much as it would if the same was done to me by my wife since we've been together for nearly 10 years. It would definitely cut me to the core, but I don't know if I'd walk or stay and try to work it out. I really believe that every situation is different, even though my initial reaction is yell that it's unforgiveable.
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I am now in my 14th marriage year...there was a real tough,rough area about 7 years ago(itch?) and the last almost 7 years have been better than the first 7. I did not get into relationships before marriage because I didn't want (or care) to know about 'infidelity' happening in a possible relationship. After my manwhore years were over I got married.
My father was a cheater and my parents were divorced at my age 5 and it does affect you. I remember saying I would never become him...whatta hypocrisy that became ::).
Life goes on and will pass you by if you allow it. Lose the hate.
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The guy I dated before I met my husband screwed around on me. Only I didn't find out about it until right after we broke up. I felt betrayed and humiliated and then when I started to put the pieces together I felt like an idiot. I carried a lot of mistrust and anger with me for a long time - which I subsequently took out on my husband when we first met. Aside from the mistrust, there are also the health issues - I was pretty angry that he put my health and fertility at risk.
After that I swore infidelity was a deal breaker -- that it was a black and white issue. Now I'm not so sure I would end my marriage and allow my family to fall apart without a fight. For me, it would depend on the situation and if it was the only time it happened. I just can't imagine how devastating it would be to a marriage and a family.
Fortunately, my husband is the best thing that's ever happened to me and has never done anything to breech my trust.
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Fortunately, my husband is the best thing that's ever happened to me
After JD, of course.
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Fortunately, my husband is the best thing that's ever happened to me
After JD, of course.
Heh. Naturally.
Of course, infidelity isn't always a physical thing, is it? I mean, a wandering eye can be just as harmful, right? While it's technically not "cheating," it is admiring or lusting after someone else, correct? Maybe I'm wrong (imagine that).
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The guy I worry about is the guy the girlfriend makes some kind of emotional connection with - not the one she thinks is good looking.
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Hmmm, I don't know about the wandering eye Force Guy... To me, that's almost subconscious for most... I think if it is a persistant PROBLEM then it's one thing, but I think that fidelity is mostly in your ability to control yourself more than anything... You are faithful because you care about the person, and you wouldn't do anything to hurt them like cheating... Your eyes may wander, but do you act? Procreation is a natural instinct, so wandering eyes will happen... Do you do it in your partner's face, do you do it often, or constantly? Or are you able to control yourself, and of course "keep it in your pants"? That's where it, to me at least, isn't infidelity...
To me, I can look at a good looking girl, admire whatever I'm admiring on her, but still not really feel as though I'm lusting for her... Because the end debate in my mind is that "I wouldn't do anything to her because I'm with my gf and care about her"... It's an interesting thought though, what you bring up, but I don't think I agree with the wandering eye syndrome unless it's blatant and constant, and is a "problem" between the people in the relationship. If that makes sense.
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Fortunately, my husband is the best thing that's ever happened to me
After JD, of course.
Let me rephrase that. My husband was the best thing that ever happened to me until I found JD ;)
I don't have a problem with a wandering eye -- mainly because its never become a problem before. When its not blatant or constant, but more out of a healthy, natural respect for an attractive woman, I don't really have a problem with it. As a matter of fact, I tend to point them out to my hubby. More so on television and print as opposed to a "real" woman. In fact, I show him the "Hotties" thread on a regular basis.....
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To me, I can look at a good looking girl, admire whatever I'm admiring on her, but still not really feel as though I'm lusting for her...
Except at Hooters...
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You're mistaking me with our pink sweater wearing staffer...
That guy can't keep his eyes off the Hooters...
Plus I only get to the ones in PA, and the one in Monroeville in particular has girls who eat too much at Hooters working at Hooters if you ask me.
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Fat chicks need love too.
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Just because I've already eaten, doesn't mean I can't take a look at the menu.
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There are a few things I absolutley wont tolerate, and infidelity is one of those things. But does it really suprise you with the stories you read in magazines, the songs on the radio, and shows on TV like Desperate Housewives and what have you?
It makes it look ok. :(
Kevin
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Fat chicks need love too.
But they gotta pay. ;)
I think that the wandering eye phenomenon is something that everyone does, whether they will admit it or not, but I will say (and this is kind of going along with what both JJ and tamidala have said, in a manner of speaking) that if that type of thing is particularly bothersome to your partner, for whatever reason, that is when you need to reexamine why you are looking/leering at people.
I have dated girls in my life who will get very upset if the notion of me thinking another woman is cute is even brought up; I have also dated girls in my life that will watch adult films (if you get my drift) on their own when I'm not around and when I am around. The point, however, is that if any of that made them uncomfortable or me uncomfortable, it would be stopped, and it's a respect issue more than anything else. I think my "special lady friend" as Mr. Lebowski so eloquently refers to his partners is the most beautiful woman in the world and I would do anything for her; however, we trust each other fully and know that we would never act on anything. Sure, Naomi Watts is hot, but she's a visual attraction; my SLF, on the other hand, is visually, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally the most beautiful woman in the world and someone I'd rather be with above all others.
My point in the middle of that "hahahaha DoctorPadawan's in love" jibberish is that there is a difference between fantasy and reality. I don't think fantasy is harmful unless it becomes an obsession and/or acted upon, and quite honestly, the reality is almost always better than the fantasy (at least as far as I am concerned).
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Fat chicks need love too.
But they gotta pay. ;)
Not with me, they don't. ;) I actually own a shirt that says "Gone Hoggin' " on it, and, well, make of that what you will.
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There are a few things I absolutley wont tolerate, and infidelity is one of those things. But does it really suprise you with the stories you read in magazines, the songs on the radio, and shows on TV like Desperate Housewives and what have you?
It makes it look ok. :(
Kevin
Amen to that. You're right. In this day & age, infidelity is considered chic.
While I'm not a believer that the media "controls" people, the media is largely responsible for creating or shaping a perception.
And Rob, I agree with your comment, too. The emotional connection is the one you need to worry about.
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Meh. If your woman doesn't have a strong enough 'emotional connection' to stay loyal to you, and not sleep around, then she's not with it.
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welcome again, FG; this is the aforetitled Carpeteria speaking. sorry to hear of your failed relationship. i've never been a victim of infidelity, but recently my wife of three years confessed having a strong emotional connection to a fellow student in her grad program after he confessed to her that he loved her. we are working through it and i know for certain that nothing other than words occured between them, but if anything HAD happened, i know it would be very difficult for me to continue on in our marriage. the guy that talked to her is someone who we had all hung out with on a few occasions, and whom i actually got along with, so i was really upset to hear about it. i think his telling my wife about his feelings breaks social boundaries; i don't fault him for his feelings as they are natural, but there is a fine line between being honest with someone and crossing over boundaries the way he did. he was attempting to take advantage of some information my wife had talked with him about in regards to some personal issues we had had; he honestly thought that he would have a chance with her, hoping we would break up. needless to say, i'm not cool with him.
but my wife and i are strong enough to work through the issues, as painful or confusing as they may be. your situation sounds likely more serious, and it's probably best for your own sake of mind that you ended it (and i hope it was done so amicably at the very least, especially for your child's sake). good luck to you and best wishes. i'm sure it is still very difficult for you.
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One guy she dated for several years was seeing three women at once and he had them unaware of the others. He was one smooth bastard.
Yes, yes I am. 8)
There are a few things I absolutley wont tolerate, and infidelity is one of those things. But does it really suprise you with the stories you read in magazines, the songs on the radio, and shows on TV like Desperate Housewives and what have you?
It makes it look ok. Sad
Kevin
You know that infidelity has been going on since humans started having relationships, right? The Greek tragedy Agamemnon (http://http://classics.mit.edu/Aeschylus/agamemnon.html) (458 BC), The Code of Hammurabi (http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/ancient/hamcode.html) (1795-1750 BC), The Ten Commandments (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Commandments) (~1300 BC) and many, many more. Its an awful thing to go through, whether you're the cheated-on, or the cheater. You can take some comfort in knowing that you are absolutely not alone in this, but it is a very tangled and ****** up side of human nature.
It really begs the question, is monogamy natural? It does occur in certain animals, but the human animal is far from being strictly monogamous. Instead we seem to force ourselves into it. With self control we are usually able to remain monogamous, but at what point does biology take over?
I have no answers for you man. I wish I did. But I've struggled with this myself on both sides, and I think that main thing is to focus on the good things in your life, even including the times you were happy with your ex-wife. This isn't something that will kill you...it sucks, but you'll live through it and be better for it.
I do recommend going to a psychologist though.
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Heres an interesting take on it, I was cheated on by 4 girlfriends , it sent me mental, I kept questioning my self worth, what did I do wrong ? etc etc..
Then I just said to myself **** ** and I became an absolute bastard , I was with girls and cheated on them and didnt care, and you know what it felt good. I can say I grew up pretty fast and revenge on one of the girls that cheated on me, well I slept with her best friend and sister and told her about it when they were all around just to piss her off and It caused her some serious grief, but I didnt care.
I outgrew that bastard mentality though, and now my view is once you're married all that stops.
For instance I have a friend that told me recently that she is cheating with a married man and I told her I was seriously dissapointed in her, but she said it was just in her nature and it was always going to happen. I told her no you cant do that, before you put that ring on your finger you can scew around as much as you want but after that ring comes on it all stops. Just my 2cents
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Fat chicks need love too.
But they gotta pay. ;)
Not with me, they don't. ;) I actually own a shirt that says "Gone Hoggin' " on it, and, well, make of that what you will.
Nice to see we have a couple of posters here that respect people based on how they act, not on how they look. ::)
But anyway...I do not tolerate infidelity. Once any intimate contact occurs, it's over. No seconds chances. There are too many other folks in the world to have a healthy relationship with than to have to tolerate a cheating spouse. And my wife feels the same way.
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I haven't read this whole thread, but am I the only one who thinks that married or not, your word is still worth something today? :-\
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Why don't you read the thread, then, *******?
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I was thinking the same thing.
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Okay I'm sorry...What I should've said was I looked through it for a few minutes, got a general sense of it, and then posted that after reading too many "you can do it before your married but not after the ring goes on" cliches. My mistake.
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Why don't you read the thread, then, *******?
Priceless.