16
Photonovels and Movies / Re: Shadowstalker - Chapter One
« on: June 19, 2006, 11:09 AM »
Diddly -
Man, you are well on your way to kicking some serious butt in the PN section!
The only small suggestion I'd make: Make Palpatine a bit more authoratative. Insead of "please, Master Windu, take this mission", I'd think Palpatine would say "We've all been asked to make sacrifices for this war, Master Windu. Surely you would not put yourself above making one of your own." And I'd make Windu a bit more gruff. Instead of saying the pleasure is his own, I'd rather he respond on more of a Sam Jackson way... something like:
Mickey: "It will be a pleasure to work with you, Master Windu"
Windu: "I am sure it will, trooper"
And then have him turn and walk away with Yoda.
I'm certainly not complaining. This looks like good stuff.
Man, you are well on your way to kicking some serious butt in the PN section!
The only small suggestion I'd make: Make Palpatine a bit more authoratative. Insead of "please, Master Windu, take this mission", I'd think Palpatine would say "We've all been asked to make sacrifices for this war, Master Windu. Surely you would not put yourself above making one of your own." And I'd make Windu a bit more gruff. Instead of saying the pleasure is his own, I'd rather he respond on more of a Sam Jackson way... something like:
Mickey: "It will be a pleasure to work with you, Master Windu"
Windu: "I am sure it will, trooper"
And then have him turn and walk away with Yoda.
I'm certainly not complaining. This looks like good stuff.