Author Topic: RE#19 - TRIBULATION  (Read 6478 times)

Offline CHEWIE

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« on: February 3, 2006, 12:39 AM »

Following clearance to enter the recently lost Kobridor System, Jedi Master Kala Mly Shundi prepares to land on the war torn planet.

Once landing, Kala is met by two battle droids.  “This way Jedi,” one says in a cold mechanical voice.

The Jedi Master is then promptly escorted to meet with the Dark Lord.

"Ah, Master Shundi.  It has been far too long.  It is my pleasure to have you as my guest," Count Dooku says with a dark smile.

 "I am not here as your guest, Count," Kala replies.  "Nor as your enemy.  I wish to find the Republic officer who was captured on this planet prior to our evacuation.  I believe this planet may hold a clue to his whereabouts."

"The warehouse the Badoo Corba held may hold clues to where they have taken Rykrof.  I did not have time to investigate the location before your forces returned," Shundi says.  "I do not have time to argue …allow my investigation or I will leave."

"I sense you are here for more than knowledge of your friend’s whereabouts.  Regardless, the area you seek was destroyed," Dooku says with a frown.  "You will find nothing there.  But there are other ways to find the one you seek..."

"Other ways?" Shundi asks.

"Gain a greater knowledge of the Force and you will see things the Jedi Council has kept from you …ways to save your friend,” Dooku says seductively as he motions towards former Jedi Master Quinlan Vos and the misguided Asajj Ventress.

“Knowledge only I can teach…”

Meanwhile in a dark chamber in the Yinchorr system, Rykrof Enloe struggles to survive through the horrors of a Badoo Corba prison cell.

“Your Republic is weak,” Zeedo Chissis growls.  “Fuuda’s demands will be met or your blood will be on your chancellor’s hands!”

“Yes,” a Nikto guard laughs as he looks up to see a figure enter the chamber.  “Yes, you will die soon, Republic fool.”

“Do not damage the prisoner beyond recognition,” Judiss says as he approaches the group.  “Mubaas has scheduled a final warning to the Republic.  We need to show them proof he is alive.”

“What does it matter?” Zeedo argues with a snarl.  “They have ignored the demands for weeks.  Let us finish him now.”

“You have your orders,” Judiss says firmly.  “Now, leave us.”

Once alone, Judiss looks down upon the broken prisoner.  To his surprise, the captured officer stares him defiantly in the eye.

"They'll never give into your demands," Rykrof says sharply.  “Give it up.  You’ve lost.”

“You speak bravely for one that is about to die.  A false sense of confidence,” Judiss says.

“My life doesn’t matter.  I know my family is alive, and the Republic won’t give in to your leader,” Rykrof says.   “Maybe someday you’ll realize what they stand for and the mistakes you’ve made.”

“The only mistake I made was in believing the lies of the Republic!” Judiss roars.  “Your army did not defend Lippros and failed to come to the aid of millions during the Nebron Famine, even after the promises of the Senate!  How can I support a government that fails to protect its people?” 

“All governments face challenges,” Rykrof says.  “During troubled times we work together; not turn our backs on our troops or the people.    It takes hard work, especially during war.  People are naturally divided.  But the choices we make during these times define who we are.”

Speechless, the Aqualish terrorist stares at Rykrof before regaining his composure.  “Mubaas is waiting for you,” he says quietly.

Rykrof is then escorted to an adjacent chamber by a hooded executioner he has become all too familiar with seeing during his stay in the complex.  As he stares down the dark figure, the leader of the Badoo Corba enters the room.

Within seconds Rykrof realizes his image is being recorded via holocam as the terrible Mubaas Fuuda begins announcing a final threat to the leaders of the Republic.

Throughout the galaxy, the dark message appears across all major Republic newscasts.

“Leaders and citizens of the galaxy, I come to you one last time.  I have as my captive Commander Rykrof Enloe of the Grand Army of the Republic!”

As the broadcast reaches millions of viewers, Admiral Tylin Gere observes the message with a group of military leaders.  “He is lost,” Jedi Master Mace Windu laments.  “We can not give in to any terrorist demands.  These demands will not only hurt our cause, but also strengthen the war effort of the Separatists.”

After several minutes of threats and anti-Republic propaganda, Mubaas Fuuda concludes his message.

 “The Badoo Corba will not allow the Republic to legislate outside its jurisdiction or bring this war to non-Core systems!  If all Republic forces are not withdrawn from the Outer Rim within 24 hours, Commander Enloe will die!” 

The broadcast also reaches the eyes of Alyssa Enloe, bride of the captured officer.  Supported by Rykrof’s closest friends, the realization finally sinks in that her husband and their friend is forever lost.

"He'll die the way he always wanted to... serving the Republic.  Trying to keep his family safe," Alyssa cries.

“Funeral arrangements,” Freelo says thoughtfully.  “I can help Rykrof one last time with his funeral arrangements!”

After the final announcement, Mubaas attempts to torment Rykrof further through both physical and psychological torture.

“Soon you will die,” he warns.  “It will give me great pleasure when the Republic fails to respond.  I shall relish in taking your life myself!  Soon after I will find your son and destroy him, just as I should have done with your dear wife!”

“But I did not finish her while she was in my captivity.  I am allowing her a short time with your son before their imminent death.  Am I not merciful?” he laughs. 

After making more horrific threats, Mubaas departs the chamber, ordering Judiss to begin the termination process.

Judiss then waits until the two are alone before speaking to Rykrof.

“The process will be painful,” Judiss says.  “The ITK droid has been programmed to do everything but interrogate you…”

“Why do you not respond to me, human?” he asks.  “This is your last chance to speak… the droid will weaken you.  Then Mubaas will complete the execution… if you have any last message you want your family to receive, tell me now and I will see that your wife hears it.  We have our differences but I once had a family too… I will do this for you.  I give you my word.”

After a minute of silence, Judiss turns his back.  “Very well Rykrof.  May your pain end soon.”

 “Tell her… I’m sorry,” Rykrof finally says.  “I’m sorry she has to go it alone.  To raise Caldin the best she can… That I love her.  And that I’m so sorry.”

“I see… I will send the message to Naboo.  She will receive it,” Judiss replies.  “She will know you were strong in the face of death, that your final thoughts were of your family.”

Slowly an ancient ITK droid then enters the chamber.

“Be strong human,” Judiss says as he exits the chamber.

« Last Edit: February 4, 2006, 05:54 PM by CHEWIE »

Offline CHEWIE

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« Reply #1 on: February 3, 2006, 12:40 AM »
That's it... hope you guys like it.  Get ready for a bonus update on the series soon, and please let me know your thoughts!


Offline Ryan

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« Reply #2 on: February 3, 2006, 02:44 AM »
As I was telling you earlier tonight, this looks great upon he first read through. I'll try and get a full critique this weekend, try is they keyword there.

Sorry about us getting cutoff earlier, I got hngry and went up to make a snack, and then I went on a late night to run. :P
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Offline Darth Delicious

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« Reply #3 on: February 3, 2006, 04:12 AM »
Holy crap that was well done!

I'll try to post an in-depth critique this weekend, but suffice it to say, with my first read through I have ZERO critical comments or suggestions. You NAILED this one, Chewie!

A lot of great parallels to current events too. Extremely well done.

Back from the dead!!!

Offline Quazar

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« Reply #4 on: February 3, 2006, 06:41 AM »
GREAT to see another chapter!

Since I never finished posting in-depth comments for #18, I won't delay and will dive right into a detailed critique:

Not much to say about the opening couple of panels.  Great choice of background for the sky and I always love seeing the awesome modular diorama pieces you've created.  They look great and are very versatile!

By the way, though, since we're seeing the ROTS Jedi fighter, I'm wondering what the current time frame of the story is.  Will we see the clone armor change in the near future?  At what point in the war are we?

You always do great work with Dooku and the dialogue is terrific, but the first shot of Dooku seems slightly off.  I think it's his posture, he seems to be leaning too much.  I dunno, I always think of Dooku as standing up straight, making for an imposing presence.

By the way, the new Shundi figure is great.  I can't remember if this is his first chapter or not (somehow I don't think so), but I think it's a big improvement.  I was never a fan of the look of this character, mostly because the head is too small...but the new cloak helps mitigate that fact.

Great photomanipulation with the eyes!  And I like how Dooku and Shundi are willing to discuss a temporary truce to deal with the Badoo Corba...and I can't wait to see how this relationship plays out, as Dooku tries to seduce Shundi (no, not in THAT way).  Very cool.

I like the shot of Ventress and the cool Quinlan custom, but this shot seems like a non-sequitir.  Why are we cutting to these two during Dooku's conversation with Shundi?  A close up of Dooku would have been more appropriate here, during this very important moment, as Dooku tries to tempt Shundi.  The scene loses its impact a bit with this odd cutaway to characters we never see again in this chapter.  Are these guys nearby?  Observing?  Obviously, they both have a connection to the Dark Side and are students of Dooku (I think, I'm not really clear on Vos' backstory), but it seems out of place here.

I think you should have given us an establishing shot of the Yinchorr system, if only because the "sets" between the two locations look a bit similar and it might have helped us mentally distance ourselves from the previous scene.

Love to see Zeedo Chiss back!  Aside from quick cameos, he's been MIA for some time now.  And he was one of the earliest Badoo members we've seen.

Troffar was never my favorite, if only because the body seems just a bit small for the head.  He looks like he's squeezed himself into a too small outfit.  The Nikto custom is a good addition, though.

I'm not crazy about the Nikto's first line, though.  "Republic fool."  Feels a little corny, a little too cheesy and villain-y.

Judiss is a cool new character, though, but I'm wondering why he outranks Zeedo.  Since we have known Zeedo longer, it just feels like he should be more senior.  But that's not really a criticism.  I like Judiss, he's a little more nuanced than the other members and is a fine addition to the overall story.

I like how Judiss has legitimate gripes against the Republic, it makes him a more sympathetic and layered character, especially since Rykrof is not unaware of the Republic's shortcomings.  And I'm very glad that the Badoo Corba as a whole is starting to make more sense.  Now they have a definite goal and are using terrorism to try to achieve it.  In earlier chapters, I mentioned how we never really knew what these guys wanted and I found it a little difficult to get a handle on what the point of the organization was.  But I think you've definitely answered those questions now. 

Good ol' Rykrof!  Despite all he's been through, he still believes in the Republic!  And I love the custom job here, with the bruising and the facial scruff.  How many different Rykrof's do you have at this point?  The mind boggles...

There are some creepy historical parallels with this chapter and some very ugly events in recent history with soldiers captured by terrorists.   Not exactly sure how I feel about that...

Hmm.  Though I'm sure the Veers figure is great (haven't found one yet, but all the pics look terrific), I'm not sure I'm jazzed about his flared pants.  I frankly think Tarkin would have looked better in his original version, rather than this custom.  Or maybe it's just his arm position.  In this shot, it looks like he's patting his full belly after a nice meal.

I would have liked to hear a reaction from Tylin in this scene, as his feelings about Rykrof have certainly been divided lately....

By the way, the executioner is one scary-looking SOB!

Very minor gripe - it seems like your holograms should be a little more blue.

LOVE poor Alyssa's tears.  Great effect!  But I don't like the backdrop in this scene.  But that's a minor nitpick. 

Poor Freelo!  heh!  That lovably inappropriate goof!

Mubbas is a real bastard!  he definitely feels like a very different character from his brother - more violent, more nasty, more hot-tempered.  Well done.  A real jerk, that guy!  And the torture rack is friggin' brilliant!

Judiss is a cool guy!  I hope this guy eventually turns his back on Mubbas and the organization.  Though you misidentify him in one panel as Mubbas.

Oh, man, a cliffhanger!  Wow, this chapter REALLY has me on the edge of my seat for the next installment.

On balance, a fine addition, but not really much of a "stand alone" chapter, since it picks up a cliffhanger from before and ends on another one. 

I'm very eager to see what will happen with Rykrof and I'm also very intrigued by the subplot with Shundi and Dooku!  Well done!  And I'm very glad that you gave some much-needed development to the Badoo Corba.  And Mubbas really is a friggin' ass. 

Can't wait for the next update!!
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Offline CHEWIE

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« Reply #5 on: February 3, 2006, 10:35 AM »
Thanks guys, and Lance for that in depth analysis.  Hope you can get the chance to detail #18 some more soon, though I think you remember how that story went.

I'll comment in more detail to your thoughts when I get more time... a couple quick things though that I will try and clear up -

(1) The Vos/Ventress shot is just meant to foreshadow that Dooku has twisted the minds of others, and now he is trying to do so to Kala.  I rephrased this here.  If #20 was combined with this I don't think it would be needed, but it isn't yet, so I changed it a bit.

(2) Chapter 20 is done, and I could post it right now... the reason I divided it into two chapters is because #19 was getting so long... once the two are combined, I think that #19 will make more sense.

(3) I probably should have done an establishing shot of Yinchorr, but I kind of wanted to jump straight to Rykrof's cell.  You will get a shot of the system in the next chapter.

When should I post the next one guys?

« Last Edit: February 3, 2006, 10:56 AM by CHEWIE »

Offline Smartypants1635

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« Reply #6 on: February 3, 2006, 11:05 AM »
Chewie Good Job. THis one had me on the edge of my seat. And once again freelo gives a horrific and non comforting comment to Allysa. ::) But as to when you should post the next 1. I'd say today or tomorrow.

Offline BrentS

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« Reply #7 on: February 3, 2006, 11:09 AM »
Chewie, I really liked this photonovel.  You really can tell a story with a few figures.  This is the first photonovel chapters I've read through.  I'll have to go back and get caught up now.  What a cool way to keep your customs "alive". 

Offline S_A_Longhorn

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« Reply #8 on: February 3, 2006, 11:35 AM »
Copied this from over at RS:

Great update, CHEWIE!

I always like the Dooku chapters. Will he turn Shundi? Doubt it, but I look forward to where that story goes.

The shots of Rykrof are excellent. Good use of the Han fig. There is a lot of buildup versus actual story progression, but it was all done effectively. Your comments about chapter 20 will probably resolve the buildup in chapter 19. Also, your terroists also look a lot better than in previous installments. I agree with the above post, a little mushy there but still important for these scenes. Great cliffhanger! Put up the next chapter already!

Sorry to say, but will someone shoot Freelo already! Or dump him back on Dantooine!
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Offline CHEWIE

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« Reply #9 on: February 3, 2006, 11:40 AM »
Thanks SA, I'll copy my reply from RS too then!   ;)

Thanks SA.  I know I never hit the dialogue for Dooku spot on like you do though, or that the pics are as clear.  But I keep trying. 

As for that custom -

It's funny, because right after I made it that Han came out.  It looks like the Han, but it's not.  I really wasted a lot of time on this custom, because here's what it was made from -

head - SAGA Endor Troop
torso - SAGA Captain Antilles
arms - OTC Jedi Luke
legs - Evolutions Maul

Really, one of the most stressful customs I've made, it was so hard to get the arms/shoulders cut right to fit together. 

Anyways, thanks again and I'll post #20 before the game Sunday.


Offline Nirvana

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« Reply #10 on: February 3, 2006, 03:02 PM »
Wow. Just wow-

That was an amazing chapter. I loved it, you are one of the best of the best when it comes to writing and producing these.

The dialogue was just great- it felt like I was watching a SW movie. It was perfect, really dark and creepy.

I can't wait for the bonus one- how in hell is Rykrof gonna get himself out of this mess?
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Offline Clone Commander

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« Reply #11 on: February 3, 2006, 04:09 PM »
 :o This is probably my favorite out of them all so far.

I especially like the way we leave Rykrof at the mercy of a ITK Droid.
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Offline hemble

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« Reply #12 on: February 3, 2006, 07:28 PM »
Yet another great p-novel Chewie and as always the photo work and figures are awesome and I realy like the torture chamber and the ITK droid wel done mate.


Offline ThePerennial

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« Reply #13 on: February 3, 2006, 08:05 PM »
 I'm really loving the new chapters of this series! The customs are incredible, the sets are imaginative yet seem to fit into the star wars universe, and the characters seem believable, now more than ever. I think this is my favourite chapter because it makes Rykrof seem more human in that he's not well after the end, and it leaves us at a cliffhanger.

 Also, the phrase used to describe the clone wars: "There is heroism and sacrifice on both sides" is portrayed, nay, is DEFINED to perfection in this chapter. People in the Grand Army of the Republic are corrupt, and some are just; while the badoo korba terrorists are just in their demands that the republic leave the areas outside of their juristiction, but are not justified in that they are terrorists and as such do not use diplomacy to get their points across (however it may be hard, as they are fighting for planets that aren't members of either the republic nor the confederacy of independant systems). What they fight for is just. How they're fighting isn't.

Offline CHEWIE

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« Reply #14 on: February 3, 2006, 10:00 PM »
Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Really, I appreciate everyone's comments very much.  I'm surprised that so many people seemed to like this, and a blaster shot wasn't even fired.   :)

Also, thanks for understanding the point I'm trying to make with the Badoo Corba, it took me way too long to start trying to show their goals and their point of view.  They do have a cause that could be looked at as noble, but their methods, like Perennial said, are wrong.

Another thing, there have been some comparisons to Rykrof with Jack Bauer from 24 - yes there is some influence there, as well as what is going on in current events.  I see terrorism as a problem that must be dealt with, but I try to not forget they are human too.

The new one will be up... soon!  I might wait a couple days, to let this one sink in a bit and maybe make a few more changes to the next one.

Regarding the characters, yes Mubass is a complete ass.  Mubass Bin Laden.  Just kidding.  I'll comment a bit on the direction some of the main characters have been taking lately -

Rykrof - Obviously in a lot of trouble, he has his doubts, but still believes in the Republic.  He's willing to die for the cause, as long as he believes it is in the best interest for the public and for his family.

Kala - He's going down a path that could cause problems... an attachment is forming that he has not had before.  He considers Rykrof his closest friend.

Ralbarr/Freelo - They are looking after Alyssa after Rykrof's capture.  They are not looking for Rykrof because they have faith in Kala, and fear for Alyssa's safety. 

Tylin - His career has become the most important thing to him, though he still does consider Rykrof a dear friend.  But the military comes first.

Badoo Corba - Then there are the usual gang of Badoo Corba, who are following the orders of Mubass.  None of the current members have been around as long as Zeedo Chissis has, who was involved in Boracca's death on Naboo right before the outbreak of the Clone Wars.  Zeedo hates Rykrof possibly more than any in the Badoo Corba, even Mubass.  Troffar (the Gran) had assumed control for a short time after Trigg's death but handed power over to Mubass once he returned from the Unkown Regions.  Mubass has a clear agenda that the previous leaders did not have.

Any other comments/questions are welcome as always, and I'll get the next one up soon!

And for now, a preview to the next chapter -

« Last Edit: February 3, 2006, 10:05 PM by CHEWIE »