Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work...

[JediMAC]

I got this several years ago, but it kills me every time I re-read it, so I thought I'd pass it along to my JD comrades here for a good laugh, as well as some much needed pooping analysis and understanding, I'm sure.  Read on at your own risk though.  Poop subject matter galore follows...  


SUBJECT:   1999 SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR TAKING A DUMP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.  We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below.  As much
as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you
the...........

1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure
pleasure.

ESCAPEE

Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or forcing poop in a stall.  This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of panic/embarrassment.  This is similar to the hot flash you
receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding.  If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.  Pretend it did not
happen.  If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend
that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable
for all involved.  Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine
guns pace.  This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location.  This reduces the amount of air time the poop
has to stink up the bathroom.  This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk-up the bathroom.  This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in.  As with all farts, it is
best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.  Always look around the
office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)

Definition:  A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident.  This group can help you
to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify
SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN

Definition:   A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors.  Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex.  This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open.  This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at
work.  If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURG leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall.  This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS.  Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

Definition:  A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall.  This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied.  If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water.  This is also an embarrassing incident.  If you feel a WATERMELON
coming on, create a diversion.  See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

Definition:  A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water.  Often accompanied by an escapee.  Try
using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED

Definition:  A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting
on the pot.  An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while
on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when
the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees.

FLY BY

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in, check for other poopers.  If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again.  Be careful not to become a
FREQUENT FLYER.  People may become suspicious if they catch you
constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE

Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound
Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and
$h!t streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost.  Try finding out when
the janitor cleans each particular bathroom.  Don't forget, a CRACK
WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.


So, what kind of crapper are you?  As for me, well, many of my friends call me $h!t Break, after the character in American Pie - so that should give you a pretty good hint as to my crapping habits!  

[Vator]

lol

[Jesse James]

Oh good god....  

[BigDumbWookiee]

The same applies for living in a dormitory with public/floor/shared restrooms.

When I lived in the dorms, I would not take a dump unless the bathroom was empty. There is nothing worse than having someone come in, mid dump and also start taking a dump. Poor dumping etiquette.

I try to avoid using a public restroom at all costs, unless my colon is about to explode. I'll hold it for ten hours if needbe.

[Darth Paul]

LOL
Try working on location on a film set:  there is only one bathroom, the dreaded "honey-wagon".  Sometimes only 1 stall for 50+ people, including big fat transport drivers who spend their days eating bacon and fast-food in their minivans.
And it's impossible to avoid the work-dump: the days are usually 12 hours or more long.
The horror, the horror  

[Reconsgt]

Try being in the military and having a row of crappers with no dividers.   Or try taking a dump while out on patrol and making sure someone pays attention so you aren't left behind.

  Anyway thanks Matt I needed a good laugh

[Ben]

I've read the word 'poop' so many times in this thread that the word has lost all meaning.

Still, I needed a good laugh, and this supplied it.

[Mikey D]

Its funny cause its true.

I have my own safe haven at work and its gold, baby!

And Matt, its sh!t brick, not break

[Angry Ewok]

Well, one cool thing about taking a crap here in college is that every stall on campus is decorated from top to bottom with random graffiti and comments. I guess people who have to sit there a while have nothing better to do except write notes to one another.  

[Scott]

Our office is small, the crapper is right near the bosses desk, woe to him the night after beer and nachos

[Brian]

I got that in an e-mail from a friend a year or two ago, and keep it around just for a good laugh every once in awhile.  As sad as it is, I find it funny each and every time .  Thanks for posting it!

[JediMAC]

And Matt, its sh!t brick, not break

I don't think so Mikey...  I'm pretty sure that character's nickname is $h!tbreak, as in he's got to take a break (elsewhere) to take a $h!t.  Granted, he may $h!t a brick while he's on his $h!tbreak, but that's a different story.

Maybe some one else can chime in with what they think it is...

[Brian]

Although it has been awhile since I have watched American Pie, I'm almost positive it is break...at least that is what we've always thought/said it was.

[Mikey D]

Really?  I always heard brick.  I'll have to check again tonight.

[Scott]

google searches seem to favor break over brick, I always though brick too...