Author Topic: Star Wars humor  (Read 559 times)

Offline jkno

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Star Wars humor
« on: June 18, 2004, 06:47 AM »
Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words

We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it

I find your lack of pants disturbing.

These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we
use it.

Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.

I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants?

Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

You are unwise to lower your pants.

She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to
retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on

You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark.

Luke... Help me remove these pants.

Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence
of my old master.

Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily
guarded than this.

Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially
one... Your sister!

Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the
first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

Short pants is better than no pants at all.


Offline jkno

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Re: Star Wars humor
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2004, 02:42 AM »
Why the Chicken Crossed the Road..In the Words of the Star Wars

YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.

VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

LUKE: Crossing the road is one thing, this is.... totally different.

LUKE: I want to follow the ways of the chicken and cross the road like
my father.

LEIA: I don't know... but I have a bad feeling about this.

HAN: Hurry up, colonel sanders, or you're gonna be a permanent

THREEPIO: I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.

ARTOO: beep beep be bop.

CHEWIE: Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!

BEN: Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken - trust me.

BOBA FETT: What if the chicken doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to

WEDGE: My scope shows the other side but it looks really far, are you
sure you can cross it?

JERJERROD: The chicken is crossing the road? We shall double our

BIB: Die chicken wanga?

BIGGS: At that speed, will you be able to cross in time?

TARKIN: The regional governors now have direct control over their
chickens. Fear will keep those chickens in line... fear of getting hit
by a car!

UNCLE OWEN: I told you to forget it. You're only concern is to cross
that road.

AUNT BERU: He can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have
already crossed. It means so much to him.

ADMIRAL ACKBAR: All chickens - prepare to cross the road on my mark

LANDO: Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot
of guts crossing that road, after what you pulled!

EMPEROR: Young fool. Only now, after getting hit by a car do you

JABBA: Bo shuda chicken!  

Offline jkno

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Re: Star Wars humor
« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2004, 05:03 AM »
Star Wars - Bespin Duel: Darth Vader vs Luke Skywalker

A furious light saber duel is under way. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks round, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.
DARTH VADER: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father."
LUKE: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"
DARTH VADER: "No! I am your father!"
LUKE: "No, it's not true! It's impossible."
DARTH VADER: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true."
DARTH VADER: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?"
LUKE: "Threepio?"
DARTH VADER: "Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old."
LUKE: "No."
DARTH VADER: "Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp."
LUKE: "I worked hard on that moisture farm."
DARTH VADER: "What? Hauling buckets? I spent my childhood as a slave then *real* Jedi training, not 'a few days in the swamp with Yoda'."
LUKE: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!"
DARTH VADER: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!"
LUKE: "Well, it's not my fault."
DARTH VADER: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me, my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith.. waahhh wahhh!'"
LUKE: "Shut up."
DARTH VADER: "You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had
exterminated the Jedi knights!"
LUKE: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!"
DARTH VADER: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor ... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby!"

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.

DARTH VADER: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine."
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

DARTH VADER: "And get a haircut!"

Offline jkno

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Re: Star Wars humor
« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2004, 04:45 AM »

Star Wars - Behind Camera

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker, C-3PO and R2-D2 step into Docking Bay 94 and see Captain Han Solo cleaning up a Corellian YT-1300 Crater, more specifically the Millennium Falcon, the ship that would save their lives time and again during the following years. At the sight of the ship, all Luke could say is...
Luke: What a piece of junk!
Han: JUNK?! Kid, this is the Millennium Falcon. She may not look like much but let me tell you something. Sheís the fastest ship in this entire galaxy! Sheíll make .5 pass lightspeed. And you call it a piece of junk?
Luke: Oh, Iím sorry! Iím sure she was beautiful in her youth. But Iím afraid itís about time she be put to sleep. You know, I didnít see many space ships at my time, but, ahh... yes, itís a piece of junk, trash, space junk!
Han: Why you little... Ah, but why am I wasting my time with you? You wouldnít know a good ship if it smacked you in the face.
Luke: Hey! Iíve piloted a lot of ships at my time!
Han: Yeah, and I bet the galactic traffic celebrates the fact that your piloting licenseís been revoked.
Luke: I bet I can out-pilot you, you victim of a ran away brain!
Han: Oh, please... You see that star over there?
Luke: What star?
Han: Exactly!
Obi-Wan: What nonsense are you arguing about now?
Luke: Itís not nonsense!
Han: Yeah, Junior here thinks he can fly a ship. You put some sense into him, old man!
Obi-Wan: Luke, you canít fly a ship!
Luke: But...
Obi-Wan: And you, my friend... your ship is a piece of junk!
Han: Hey!
Obi-Wan: OK! Is everyone happy? Can we go now?

Well, we all know what happens in the movies, but what happens behind the cameras remains a mystery... or does it? Letís see, shall we?
Here they are! Our three heroes finally having some peace and quiet after a hard dayís work...
George Lucas: Hamill! Fisher! Ford! In my trailer, NOW!
Harrison Ford: For peace sake! Canít a guy enjoy a few minutes with his friends around here?
Carrie Fisher: Now donít get angry, Harrison! Iím sure he has a good reason... this time.
Mark Hamill: If he doesnít, I have a good recipe for executive director stew.
C.F.: OK, guys! Calm down! Letís just go and see what the hell he wants.
M.H.: I wonder how heís gonna surprise us this time. Is he gonna make Chewbacca my mother?
H.F.: Oh, come on! He already made Vader your father. He canít be that cruel.
C.F.: I donít know about that. I mean... look at you!
H.F.: Whatís that supposed to mean? Weíre only supposed to fight in the movie... or are you enjoying that?
G.L.: There you are! Get in here!
   Our heroes are now in G.L.ís trailer and are waiting to hear what he has to say.
H.F.: Itís gonna hit us hard. Weíd better sit down.
G.L.: Iím changing the script!
C.F.: What was wrong with the old script?
G.L.: It was too predictable. I ran out of ideas but last night it hit me.
H.F.: (to Mark and Carrie) Here we go!
M.H.: Yeah, and there arenít any seatbelts on this ride.
G.L.: OK! Ready? Iím making Leia Lukeís sister, and she ends up with Han.
C.F.: That went smoother than I expected.
M.H.: Wa-wait a second! Ainít I the hero in this story? You know... the one that ends up with the girl?
G.L.: Yes, exactly, thatís whatís predictable about it. The public would have guessed you end up with the girl from the beginning of the movie.
C.F.: So youíre changing it. Iíve got a bad feeling about this.
G.L.: So youíve noticed.
C.F.: Tell me one thing: all those arguments between Han and Leia are because they like each other? Oh, God!
H.F.: Cheer up, sweetheart! Now you have a real man at your side.
M.H.: Wait a minute! Youíre saying Iím not a real man?
H.F.: Not in this movie, kid!
M.H.: Great! Thereís one hot chick in the entire galaxy and surprise... sheís your sister!

Star Wars - Expanded Universe

Luke: Son, there comes a time in every boyís life when he has to make a decision on how heís futureís going to look like.
Ben: Oh, thatís not a problem, dad. I already know what Iím gonna be.
Luke: Oh, so you decided to become a Jedi already.
Ben: Ahh... no, dad. Iím gonna be a pilot just like uncle Han.
Luke: A pilot?! What do you wanna be a pilot for?
Ben: I like ships...
Luke: But I thought you liked the Jedi. Having a lightsaber, mesmerizing people and stuff like that...
Ben: No, dad. I like you being a Jedi. Itís pretty cool having a Jedi Master for a father. You know: popularity... You dig?
Luke: Why would I wanna dig?
Ben: No, dad. Itís an expression like ďcatch my driftĒ.
Luke: Huh...?
Ben: Never mind. Iím gonna take my X-wing out for a spin.
Luke: Wait a second! This conversation isnít over!
Ben walks out of the room where heíd just been talking whit his father and heads for the hall and then walks down the stairs. Luke follows him stopping at the top of the stairs.
Luke: Youíd better get this pilot nonsense out of your head!
Ben sees what his father is about to do and tries to warn him, but Luke is too upset to listen.
Ben: Ahh, dad...
Luke: No, Ben! Youíre becoming a Jedi Knight and thatís final. Iím putting my foot down!
And before you know it, Luke starts rolling down the stairs and stops at his sonís feet.
Ben: Wow, dad! When you put your foot down, you put your foot DOWN!

Luke comes into his apartment and Mara sees him holding his back. Sheís very concerned but sheís mostly wants to know what happened...
Mara: What happened?
Luke: I had a little talk with YOUR son.
Mara: MY son? OK, what did he do this time?
Luke: He wants to become a pilot.
Mara: And whatís wrong in that?
Luke: Well, I wanted him to become a Jedi.
Mara: Oh, the father-son heritage thing again. Luke, itís his choice. We canít force him to do something if he doesnít want to.
Luke: But heís already started with that smugglerís sarcasm.
Mara: And...?
Luke: Thereís gonna be another Han Solo running around.
Mara: OK, heís becoming a Jedi. But still... what does any of this have to do with your back?
Luke: Letís just say I put my foot down in my decision... (Mara doesnít get it so Luke continues) ...down the stairs.
Mara: Ouch!
Luke: Iím getting too old for this...

In another part of the Imperial Palace, more specifically in the hanger bay, Ben has a discussion of his own with...
Han: What happened to you?
Ben: Oh, itís dad. He wants me to become a Jedi.
Han: And whatís wrong in that?
Ben: Well, I wanted to become a pilot, like you, Uncle Han.
Han: Now thatís another story. But why doesnít he want you to be a pilot? He was a pilot at your age.
Ben: Itís not just about piloting, Uncle Han. Itís about sarcasm and piloting. I heard dad saying something about one Han Solo in the galaxy is enough.
Suddenly, a voice is heard from behind Han, as she steps out where her face can be seen...
Leia: I agree with Luke on that.
Han: And whatís wrong with more than one Han Solo in the galaxy? Leia, youíre supposed to be on my side.
For a moment, everyone is quiet. Han looks at Leia while Leia looks back at Han.
Han: Twins... they stick together like glue.
Ben: Mom kind of agrees with dad, too.
Han: Women! Canít live with them, and unfortunately canít live without them, either.
Ben: Hey, I happen to like girls!
Han: Yeah, now you do. Wait until you have to marry one. Theyíll make your life a living hell. No offence, Leia.
Leia: Oh, címon, sweetheart... Iím not making your life that hard...
Han: Try miserable.
Ben: Well, you know what they say: ďIf you canít beat Ďem... ď
Leia: Definitely canít beat Ďem...!
Han and Ben look at each other and finish the sentence together: ď...join Ďem!Ē